by Kristal Mcvicar

Created on: May 25, 2008   Last Updated: July 28, 2009

Resentment is probably the single most devastating feeling and thought that can exist within the confines of a marriage. It can lead to a loss of intimacy, anger and a general feeling of discontent between even the most loving of individuals.

It will sneak into your relationship unannounced and once there can take a very long time to work through and finally get rid of. It will be the reason a wife turns her back to her husband when he gets into bed, why a husband no longer reaches out to hold her hand, why gradually the kiss good-bye in the morning and the anticipation of seeing the other in the evening disappears.

In dictionary terms resentment is defined as: Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance.

It is the sister of anger and to let it sit inside, grow and fester will create feelings of depression, sadness and irritability for the one holding it within that will be reflected by the way they interact with the other.

I'm not sure if most people ever really recognize it once it has settled within your heart and mind, but that certainly does not prevent the effects to gravely influence the climate of even your most intimate relationships.

Preventing resentment from taking hold of you requires a great deal of communications skills, trust, honesty and a true commitment to truly working through the issues that inevitably rear their heads in any close relationships.

Many in life choose to not speak up if they are feeling sad, hurt or disappointed with their spouse to try and keep life peaceful. Others perhaps scream and yell instead of talking because they have not learned how to communicate effectively. Perhaps the dynamics of the relationship are such that the personalities collide and one partner is uncomfortable with how the other partner handles sensitive issues. This usually becomes a pattern very early in the relationship.

After some time the one repressing those feelings has built up so many repressed emotions that they no longer feel close to their partner and the intimacy slowly begins to seep out of their relationship.

If your partner reacts to your honest attempt to communicate what they need or want and it is met with defensiveness or anger or dismissal, they will slowly stop communicating. Just because they have stopped communicating does not mean those feelings have changed, it simply means it is no longer worth the stress they will be subjected to if they try to express themselves.

That grows resentment deep inside. Slowly over time that resentment will appear to erode the the love and closeness once found with each other and it will be replaced with often cold or uninterested behavior. Any marriage containing a great deal of resentment is at a very high risk of either coming apart or becoming another statistic of infidelity.

I cannot stress enough the importance of allowing your partner to feel safe and comfortable in expressing their wants, needs or grievances. If you are unable to do this comfortably, calmly and with love and patience, it is your responsibility to the one you love and the relationship to learn how. If you do not, the love you hold today may one day be lost to you forever.

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