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The process of giving pulls people out of their selfish selves and provides them the opportunity to think creatively about what someone else would like. Giving is a learned skill, and once learned, provides satisfaction.

My in-laws have not learned how to give. Their birthdays are hurried, awkward affairs. My husband actually dreaded Christmas because he was afraid he might get something he didn't want. You see the focus of the gift-giving time was on receiving, thus creating fear and other bad emotions. His family even avoids the surprise altogether by telling each other beforehand what is in the pretty wrapped box. Then, on Christmas Eve, they sit down for fifteen minutes, tear open their presents at the same time, then continue a previous conversation, ignoring the gifts.

My husband is getting better at giving under my not-so-subtle instructions. Our first Christmas when we were dating, he asked what I wanted for Christmas. I told him to get me a book. He asked which book. I told him he should decide which book. He bought me a book by his favorite talk-show host. I hate talk-show hosts. He bought it because he liked the book, and he couldn't even begin to think outside his own likes and dislikes and try to figure out what I would want to read.

The next Christmas (our first Christmas as a married couple), I made a long list, thinking he needed some help choosing a gift for me. I thought it would be fun finding out which of the things on my list he chose. When we opened gifts, I had three large boxes under the tree. I opened them expectantly (because when giving is learned, receiving can be fun, too!). My poor dear husband bought me everything on my long list except for a few items he couldn't find. Then he put them all in three big boxes. I think he enjoyed shopping for me because he thought he was buying me all the things I really wanted. But the actual gift-opening was a disappointment for both of us. I tried to act thrilled, but what I really wanted was thoughtfulness from my husband, not everything on my list. He knew he had messed up somewhere along the line.

After a lifetime of not knowing how to give a gift, the learning curve can be slow. My husband now somewhat understands that I enjoy being surprised. I don't want to be told what I am getting for my birthday. However, most of his gifts come with the disclaimer, "I didn't know what to get, so I picked out something I like." I sigh inwardly, open the gift (a process during which my husband often hides), and then smile and try my hardest to like the gift. After all, receiving the gift graciously is a gift to the giver. I give my gratitude. My husband breathes a sigh of relief because I didn't yell at him for not getting what I really wanted. If the gift was truly horrible, we just both gradually ignore it. If the gift had some potential, we milk it for all it was worth. I have a ceramic lawn gnome in my living room, guarding my plants. The lawn gnome has a guilty look on his face. Whenever my husband thinks he has eaten too many cookies, he tells me the lawn gnome did it. On April Fools' day, the lawn gnome did a lot of havoc to my home. It was a dorky gift, but we still enjoy it for the comic relief.

I hope someday my husband discovers the real thrill of learning how to give. That hope does not stem from a wish to receive better gifts at Christmas. I want my husband to understand what I already understand giving a gift can be the best part of any holiday. And receiving a gift is an opportunity to give more.

Learn more about this author, Amy Krohn.
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