by Audrey Frederick

Created on: May 25, 2008   Last Updated: June 19, 2008

Helping Children Deal with Loss and Grief

As a parent we face many challenges and death is one that is inevitable. It is something we must deal with, and so must our children.

Our children see death everyday of their lives. They see dead animals on the side of the road; they see death depicted on television, even cartoon characters die. So what is the best way to deal with the prospect of death? By talking about it before it happens in the family! Sound odd? Well maybe! But consider this, when is the best time to talk about something that is emotional! Before it happens. Right?

Taking the opportunity when it presents itself, is the best way to deal with a subject so filled with sadness and emotion. A dead animal on the side of the road can bring up the subject, and it can be discussed without emotion.

Asking a child what he/she is thinking about when they see the dead animal, will give you an insight to a child's emotions. Let the child tell you where it thinks the animal has gone, allow the child to give you his/her perception of what they think has happened. Talk about the death, as a matter of fact. Hard as it is for we adults to face that fact, it is part of life and children need to be able to face it without fear.

There is no need to fill the child with information that is not suitable for its age; we certainly do not have all the answers. When a question is asked that you cannot answer, be truthful and say so. Do not lie. Be honest. Children are smart and they can tell when we are being untruthful. You are not being graded on your answers.

Treating death as a subject that should not be talked about can create emotional problems within a child that may not surface for years. If death is something that cannot be talked about, it must be a horrible thing. Yes, accidents happen and death can be untimely, it is a very emotional time in a family's life and sometimes very unfair.

Young children need simple answers as they do not understand that death is permanent, dead flowers do not grow again might be a simple answer. Reassuring children that someone will always be there to care for them is important. Older children, especially teenagers, need to be allowed to cope with grief in their own way, with patience and understanding on your part, but not overly so.

Do not use words like sick people die or old people die, as young ones die, too. Use your faith to help explain death, and if you are not into religion, do not use Godly terms to explain to a child, who has no knowledge of God or angels, as that can be frightening

Whatever you do, just be truthful, patient and allow the child to talk. Talking soothes the soul, calms the mind, and keeps the emotions in tact.

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