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Fatty, piggy, ugly, repulsive, these are just a few of the names that I have heard in my life as an obese person. Obesity has been a part of my life since childhood. I cannot clearly remember a time when I felt "skinny." In fact, this word is like poison in my ears, for I know it is something I will never truly achieve. It is like that unattainable dream that you awake from just as you are about to receive your prize.

I remember the first time I realized that I was "fat." I was seven years old and I was visiting a very close friend of mine. She was my best friend. I loved her and trusted her completely. We had been playing outside all day and we decided to come inside for a bowl of cereal. After I finished my cereal I was still hungry, so I got up and made myself another bowl. This was not unnatural thing for me to do. When I returned to living room, I was met with the biggest sadness I had felt until that time in my life. My best friend, my closest friend, my confidant, told me to leave. She explained to me that I was so fat that she couldn't stand to look at me any longer. She instructed me to go wait by the side of the road until my parents said it was alright to come home.

I cried for an hour as I sat on the curb of our street just waiting for my parents to come home. I remember looking down at myself and instantly feeling repulsed by my ugliness. I thought "Who am I anyway to take up so much space in this earth?" Even though my friend apologized the next day, I never felt the same. From that day on I have always referred to my self as "fat."

These comments and thoughts have followed me into my adult life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look in the mirror and think "Yuck!" It has affected my social life, my personal life, and my professional life. When I am a crowded room all I can think is "Everyone is starring at me and they are repulsed." When I am alone with husband a night I think "He's never going to truly love me until I am thin." At work I am never really comfortable because I just know they are thinking, "Wow, that ladies fat." These thoughts are so common now I hardly even realize that they are always going through my mind.

Well, about ten weeks ago, I decided to change my outlook on life. I decided that if I didn't like who I was I could change it. That is, if I really truly wanted to. I joined a weight loss support group and I started making subtle changes in my life. The first change I had to make was to change the way I thought about myself. I had to start thinking of myself as a person with self worth. To think of myself of someone who is worthy to be loved, and who deserves to be happy. This is a daily challenge for me and I only win about fifty percent of the time. I started drinking more water and I added a lot of fruit, vegetables, and beans to my diet. I go on walks with my family and occasionally we play volleyball in the park.

I have lost twenty-five pounds and my self worth has gone up about fifteen percent. I still have a long road ahead of me, and I just hope that my family support will help me finally climb out of my hole. Each day I strive to look in the mirror and tell myself you are beautiful and you are loved. I believe that if I keep doing this every morning, one morning it will finally sink in.

Learn more about this author, Jenni Girouard.
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