by Brenda Obert

Created on: May 24, 2008

You are always a parent: Tips for parenting adult children

From the time you get the positive results of that pregnancy test until the day you die, you are always a parent. When your children are young and at home parenting is much more intensive. You are with them on a daily basis and there is always something, whether it is homework, clothes, friends, school, sports, doctors appointments, emergencies, or even a bedtime story before bed. Parenting is not for the weak hearted or the weak of stomach. However, as the years go by most parents experience less hands on parenting and a more transitional role as advisor, reminder, observer, only stepping in when there is a real need. All of this prepares us to be parents of our adult children. A role often more challenging than parenting young children. Challenging, because we have to treat them like adults even when we "see" them as children. Challenging, because we must avoid the "I told you so" mode. Challenging, because we must not give advice unless they ask for it. Challenging, because we must give support even when our hearts are breaking. These are not such simple challenges, especially accepting their adulthood.

"Seeing" your child as an adult can be particularly difficult, considering you have birthed them, nursed them, fed them, and literally wiped their bottoms. No matter how old they get, you can still see that little boy that broke his arm the first week of kindergarten and tried so hard not to cry. You can see that little girl that sighed before a preschool performance and said she had waited for this moment all her life. We know so much about these young adults, but we don't know everything about them. Just like us, they already have some experience of the "school of hard knocks". We need to respect their experience and treat them as we would any adult that we care about without frequent reminders that we knew them when. This is not our only challenge.

Avoid the dreaded "I told you so" mode of parenting. As parents we give enough advice to fill volumes. When our children don't heed our wise advice and find themselves in a precarious situation, we frequently slip in some familiar phrases: "Weren't you listening when I told you..."
"You wouldn't be in this situation if you had listened to me." I told you not to do that. See what happens when you don't listen to your mom/dad?" "Don't come crying on my shoulder. I told you so?" Saying "I told you so" is a big mistake. Repeating this mistake will only alienate

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