by Cynthia Raecker

Created on: May 24, 2008   Last Updated: June 13, 2008

Reading, writing, and math. Athletic ability, social acceptance, and dietary or health concerns. Each an opportunity to shine, or to struggle. To be envied, or made fun of. An endless list of things that parents may not think to train their children to deal with, expect their children to figure out on their own, expect the classroom to have handled it.

Parents may think it is not their "job" or that all children are the same and will be able to, should be able to, handle all situations the same. Each child is unique and the best way to help them equally so. What devastates one may roll off the back of another.

It is not about you, it is about your child. Worrying about it, denying it, wallowing in self-pity, feeling anger, frustration, or disappointment in the child, never helps. Move on.

You can help them. You are their greatest resource, ally, and advocate.

ASK
Ask questions that probe and are not satisfied with one-word answers. "Fine" will never really tell you what is going on in your child's head. Ask without judgment. Ask everyone. Ask your child, your child's teachers, coaches, counselors and anyone who has exposure to your child in the area of concern. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Never stop asking.

LISTEN
Listen to your child. Do not interrupt, finish their sentence, or interpret their answer. Restate what they said until you are confident they know that you hear them.

LOOK
Look for tools, resources, and strategies to help your child. Look outside the box if you have to. Treat your child like a research project that you need the answers to. Become the expert in the area of concern and you will find a toolbox of options that you can try..

ACT
Act on what you find. Don't just talk about it, read about it or moan about it, act on it. If that means meetings with the school, then meet. If that means extra time at home on math, or a tutoring program, make that time, find that time. Step back and re-prioritize your time, set aside what you need to do, to give your child what they need. The way to act is as unique as your child. A martial arts class to help have the confidence to walk away from a bully, a drama class to give the class clown an appropriate outlet or work at a shelter to give another child some needed empathy. Whatever it is, act on it.

MONITOR
Trust your gut. Nothing is more powerful than the sense a parent gets when something is off with their child. You are their parent, not their best friend and the most powerful gift you can give your child is to act like the parent you are.

Be patient, compassionate, consistent, and active. If you can have enough will, you can help your child find a way.

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