by Rosemary Redfern

Created on: May 24, 2008   Last Updated: May 06, 2009

How you help a child deal with grief and loss depends on the age of the child. While small children have not yet reached a maturity that allows them follow concepts like an adult, they are capable of understanding .

Young children sometimes misunderstand how adults use words. For instance, when a boy was asked what his father's heart attack had meant, he thought someone had broken into the house and stabbed his father though the heart.

Carefully clarify the terms you use and check the child understands the meaning as you go . Sometimes explanations have to be simplified but don't talk down to the child. They will recognize that and respond accordingly. Treat the child as a person who is valued and respected.

Help the child to feel loved and wanted. Children often feel at fault when a death has occurred or a divorce is imminent. It can take quite a bit to convince them otherwise. At least fifty-five percent of our communication is non-verbal (hugs, smiles, accepting behavior from you) and will encourage as much as words. Sometimes there are no words and just being there helps.

One of the responses to grief and loss is anger. This is a normal stage in the process. Anger with the person who has died as well as anger for no apparent reason are both normal emotions. Explain carefully to the child that this is how adults feel too and that this is part of the process of dealing with the loss. It might be the cause of the adults behaving oddly. At the same time explain that it doesn't give permission to misbehave.

A tricky explanation is that nasty things happen to nice people. It is unfair, It's something that we all have to learn to deal with at various levels. Some people are more unlucky than others.

Grief and loss associated with either death, chronic illness or having to leave a loved home and environment or any transition in life, can make us feel very sad. This is normal and it is O.K. to cry. Boys included. A male is no less a man when he expresses his emotions in this way.

Some children benefit from drawing pictures, making models and using toys to act out what is happening to them. If you see the child doing this, it is normal and healthy. You might even offer the tools to let them explore what they are feeling. Perhaps later it will be possible to help them to talk about it.

Finally, sometimes when the adult is suffering from the same grief and loss is it hard to be sensitive to a child. Remembering this is a way of bringing you both closer to each other. Helping the child might help the adult to cope better because the issue is addressed. Children are open to adults who are truthful with them and distrustful of those who aren't. And children sometimes see more clearly than adults.

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