by Lara Everett

Created on: May 24, 2008   Last Updated: June 29, 2009

Children have many different ways of dealing with certain situations. As our children change, so do the situations they are left to deal with. One of the many things that a child will learn, is the true meaning of death, or just plain loss, then they will learn how do deal with them.

Commonly a child will deal with loss, by acting out; not really understanding why they are so upset and unable to pin point any of the feelings they have. Suddenly becoming very destructive, in response to these overwhelming feelings, they can also become very vulnerable, crying for the smallest reasons, things that will not usually cause them to be upset and in some cases they may even begin to be extremely hyper active. Your job as a parent is to notice these things and use them to your advantage, by helping your child bring to surface the strange feelings of loss.

As a child who lost her father at a very young age, I will offer you this advice. My mom would talk to me about my father all the time, reminding me of his birthday, or funny things he did. By no means was it ever a hush hush event. If I wanted to know things about him, what he looked like, his favorite things, how he used to play with us, even things that didn't make him some idolized in my mind. I knew my father no matter how old, no matter how many tears were shed, he was still alive in my heart as a, true to the word, MAN. My mother helped me not only learn that death meant "not ever coming home" but also that loss doesn't mean you have to forget.

Children are very wise in their way, they know that there is a loss, they also are very aware of the fact that they are sad about that, but letting your child forget why they are sad, is only causing them to be unable to deal with it, since they will forget. There will come a day, it hits them like a ton of bricks, causing serious post traumatic stress disorder, from never dealing with pain!

Your child has to come to terms with death, whether it be a person they love, an animal, or even a rollie polly they found in the back yard. If we don't teach them while they are resilient, they will never be comfortable with the fact that things and people die.

My mom used to say "if I want to know what is digging deep into your heart, I will ask you to do the dishes!" I used to think she was crazy, until the day I realized I would tell her all about my horrible day, while crying about having to do the dishes! Well without even realizing it I told her my heart hurt and I cried it out, feeling completely relived of my stress, since I was never really crying about dishes that were dirty, I was crying about things I didn't even know were wrong.

Each day can start new when we remember to let go of the old. There is nothing wrong with crying, when you're heart is hurting! It's one of the most important step of the healing process! Our children especially need coaching on the surfacing of their pain from death! Sometimes just a little nudge in the right direction is all it takes, and other times you have to push a little harder. Asking over and over "what's wrong?"

Talk to them, and talk a lot, about the person, thing, or bug, that was lost, or died. Remember, they have to let themselves cry, just be there when they do!

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