by Nancy Lynam

Created on: May 23, 2008

Living with the past or in the past only eats up today. If the past is something that needs to be reckoned with, the power it has over one will dissipate once it has been dealt with. You can take control of "it", rather than "it" controlling you.

When I was younger, I was very defensive and quick to speak up when I thought I needed to do so. I questioned everything...especially those in authority. I figured our early on that just because someone was an adult or an authority that it didn't make them absolutely right. This kind of thinking went totally against the grain of my family. I found out years later that being outspoken at times probably saved me from the inappropriate hands of my father once he knew I wouldn't be quiet.

As I became an adult, I formed strong opinions about things that were of the utmost importance to me. I had learned that taking a stand, even when no one really asked me my opinion, seemed to offer some kind of strength about me that otherwise not have been noticed. I always seemed to know right from wrong.

When I was a teenager, I witnessed my father with his hands around my sister's throat. He was in a rage because she had stayed out later the night before and was evasive about where she had been. Ours was a household where no-one ever spoke up to or back to our father. I can still recall the welling up of a creature within me that shouted at him to get his hands off of her. I escaped to a friend's house where I stayed until Mom said that nothing would happen to me. Nothing did, and nothing was ever said.

Dad died suddenly. I was grief stricken. I was an adult with children of my own. Dad's and my relationship had developed into something good over the years. I was my own person, had my own opinions...even if they differed from his. His death devastated me. Shortly thereafter, I remember telling Mom how I felt an odd sense of relief and it related to Dad's death. I actually felt guilty for feeling that way. Over time and many conversations with my older sister, and many sleepless nights due to reoccurring nightmares, the ugliness of sexual abuse reared its ugly head. My sister had never forgotten the abuse, but she feared telling anyone. For me, I suppressed the abuse until Dad was no longer a threat to me.

I saw a psychologist about this abuse. He sent me to a sexual abuse counselor. From the time I stopped sleeping due to the nightmares, I began a journal which slowly enabled me to remember. The counselor was amazed at the amount of work I had done. It took months for the dust to settle. I lived with fear of more flashbacks, but in time, I have come to terms with the past, and I will deal with whatever surfaces.

I know now that in my younger years, I couldn't trust those in authority because I couldn't trust the "first" authority in my life...my father. I spent much time looking at family issues and history. In my findings, this was a generational "disease". Others had suffered in silence, and incest brought forth a child who was known to the family as having been adopted. She was mentally impaired and institutionalized her whole life.

Having "looked" at all of this has made me a better person. I am sensitive to the frustrations and indignities that are put upon people who cannot fight back. I am thankful for my knowledge of God and have strongly felt his presence and guidance. I have forgiven what was put upon me. If I allow the past to hurt and hinder me, then my life would be wasted. As for forgiveness, I truly believe that if I cannot forgive those who trespass against me, then I cannot expect to be forgiven my trespasses. Once the truth was out, the strength and ugliness of it lost all of their powers. It is in the past...where it belongs.

Learn more about this author, Nancy Lynam.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.