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So you didn't come today. I don't know why I still expect you to. You haven't for so long. Things must be ok in your mind about me. The thing is that things aren't ok with me. I have to sit here for the duration of my time and you get to run free, having learned nothing from what I felt I had to do at the time and what I have to do now because of it. It was always about you anyway. You never saw me, not as a real person, not as a human being. I was just there for you to use. So now I pay the price and a heavy price it is indeed for your actions, your choices. How could you not feel? How could you not know what I did was for you.

This place really sucks you know? I guess it's better than a jail cell, which is where I could very well be right now. Do you realize that? That I could be in jail because of what I did for you? Do you even give a shit? Do you?

I still have the flashbacks but don't think they are all about you; I've had other traumas in my life. No, not as traumatic, but still traumatic nonetheless. They raised my dosage of antidepressant and that helps a bit with the flashbacks but nothing takes them away. Especially of that night, that night that I shall never be able to rid myself of. That night that I was so consumed yet once again for you that I took another's life. Yeah, I have to live with the fact that I pulled the trigger, I hear the sound of the shot, everyday, everywhere. I m not sorry he's dead, although I had to say so in court but I'm not sorry. Sometimes I wish I could have rid the world of more of his kind. For the one that is now gone there are 100 more there taking his place. I knew it would be like that. It didn't stop me. I was all consumed.

There's a man in here that hears voices, he tells me the world is about to end. I tell him to run and take cover. He does. I can't help playing their game sometimes; it's hard to remember I was deemed only temporarily insane. Sometimes to keep my sanity I have to play with the ones who are insane. I don't find it necessarily cruel, in a way they are comforted as if I saw things that they see the same way they see them. I do not however, I see things pretty clearly. I gave up such a big part of my life for you. Not just my time here but for years before. How do I get those years back? I can't. I really don't want those same years back. They sucked for the most part. I was trying I really was, to be the good parent, to be supportive and open with you. I thought it was working somewhat.

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