by Lisa Powell

Created on: May 22, 2008

The children DO come first! When you marry your spouse knowing that he/she has children by another relationship, then you should be prepared to deal with a lot of issues. Some issues will dissolve with time; others may never completely go away. Deal with all of them the best you can. Counseling and sharing your feelings are good ways to accomplish this.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 23 years. He was married to his first wife for 8 years. When he and I married he had not been divorced for very long. His ex-wife was still hurting and angry. I was supposed to be the transition relationship. Not the new wife. At the time of our marriage his children were 5 and 7 years old. They had seen their parent's relationship crumble. The divorce was very hard on both of them, as well as my husband and his ex.

In the first few years, angry words and games were played. Mistakes were also made by all parties involved. But soon the adults learned that we had to put our feelings aside for the sake of the children. Once we agreed that certain subjects should not be discussed in front of the children and that at least acting civil to one another was more beneficial to the children, life improved a great deal.

Once my husband and I moved to the same town as his ex and their children, we decided we would raise them together, all three of us. We had the kids on weekends and 30 days during the summer. We kept them when his ex went on business trips and vacations. We attended school functions and sporting events. We all sat together and gushed over how talented the children were.

When my husband and I had our first child together, she was soon included in all of her half brother's lives as well. His ex-wife even bought tickets to the circus for our daughter when she took her children. Not to mention, she would keep our daughter on weekends if my husband and I wanted a romantic weekend away.

Because of the child support issue, there were many times that my husband and I could not afford to take all of the children places and buy them nice things. When this was the case we found things to do with them that were more family oriented. Dinner at home around the table together, playing in the park, swimming and picnics, just to name a few.

For many years my husband felt guilty that he could not do more financially for his older children. I would smile and lovingly say just wait darling, when they are grown they won't remember all the video games and movies and trips to the amusement parks, they will remember the family time they spent with us at the park or at home.

Now 23 years later they are in their late 20's and are wonderful, well-rounded young men. And guess what? They DO remember the family time and they cherish it! Our relationship with his children and his ex-wife are very strong. So strong in fact, that my husband works for the company that his ex owns.

We have three beautiful children of our own and they are close to their older brothers. We have family events on a regular basis. Birthdays and holidays are attended by his ex-wife, their children and spouses, my husband's parents and sisters, his ex-wife's current husband and his children. Everyone gets along well together and it is not uncommon to see my husband's ex-wife and myself in the kitchen cooking together and joking with the rest of the family.

Putting our feelings aside years ago has allowed us a very fulfilling family live. All of us have grown and learned that this is the way it should always be. It has not always been easy. But it has been well worth the effort. I wouldn't have it any other way. We are truly blessed to have such a wonderful extended family.

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