by Patricia Sicilia

Created on: May 22, 2008   Last Updated: May 28, 2008

At age 36, having sent my only child off to college while still young enough to crash her sorority parties, I found myself pursued as a font of child-rearing information when my friends with toddlers and tweens couldn't reach their mothers. Therefore, I feel qualified to offer the following tips which may enable you to get through the next 18 years without becoming a headline in your local newspaper.

Birth to Three Months

Start college fund. By the year 2026, college tuition will exceed the cost (including amortization) of your mortgage.

Be prepared to survive on 23 minutes of sleep. Dads can make this up on the expressway while stuck in traffic, or at work when your secretary closes your door and tells everyone you are "In conference." Moms can doze off while nursing, while their husband kvetches about his busy day, when your mother calls to regale you with the horror of the episiotomy she endured when you were born, or in the shower (you only get three of them a week, now, however).

Men, stifle the urge to ask your spouse why the house isn't clean - this is for your own protection as well as ensuring your wife continues to have a clean criminal record.

Be prepared to deal with several different kinds of liquid and semi-liquid discharges from the infant. ALWAY place a diaper over a male child's lower body when clothes are removed for any reason. Failure to do so will result in , well, we'll just let you find out.

Always buy clothing a size bigger - "Birth to Three Months" only fits the day you bring the kid home from the hospital.

Finally, always check dark clothing for remnants of talcum powder and burp residue before leaving home.

Three to Six Months

Be prepared to survive on two hours sleep.

Baby will no longer be a tabula rosa personality, will have learned which cries will cause caretakers to come running and which cries will be ignored, and will change tactics and reverse the cries.

Get an aquarium. Infants are fascinated by the darting fluorescent creatures and will be kept occupied for at least 15 minutes at a time. It will also serve as a diversion when you can't watch TV because any noise louder than heavy breathing will wake the baby.

Dads, learn how to change a diaper. By now the novelty will have worn off and well-meaning friends and relatives will have stopped dropping by and offering to help the new mother, whereupon she will finally demand that you "bond" with your child.

Six Months to a Year

Be prepared to survive on four hours sleep.

Get rid of the aquarium.

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