by Wendy Ware

Created on: May 22, 2008

I do not know how to start over. I am going through the process though. How can I start over, really? One moment I feel empowered, strong, and ready to tackle the world. The next moment I am sobbing over a song I heard on the radio or a picture I found of us while packing up my stuff. How can I start over when he keeps calling, begging me to stay, making every promise in the world. I want to believe him so badly. I want to wake up with amnesia and forget I had the strength to leave. I just want him to be nice to be. I just want him to support me. I really don't think I am asking very much. How can I start over when he is crying, telling me how much he loves me and the kids. How can I start over when I feel so broken? I really don't want to be alone and I am terrified. What about our plans? What about the cat and the turtle? What about the rv we were going to buy and travel the country with when we retired?

But what about my LIFE! I had plans to go back to school and he will not let me. I want to visit my family out of state and he won't let me. I'm sick of worrying whether the house is clean enough or whether I folded that towel correctly. I'm sick of him getting drunk and yelling at me. He has made empty promises in the past and everything stays the same. I'm trying not to feel bad about my broken wedding vows, because he broke his a long time ago. He does not care for me when I am sick. He demands I work a worthless job and I never see a dime. He makes fun of me and makes me feel worthless. My spirit is broken. I have no control over anything. The kids have started to see it. I do not want them to think it is alright to be treated badly, because it is not. He apologizes and it does get better for a while and then it starts again, a vicious horrible cycle. I have $1200 in my bank account and am leaving everything. My children are leaving there friends, and I am leaving my husband. I will not be told what to do anymore. I will not have him belittle and berate me any longer. I want to live my life and stop walking on eggshells. I will walk away. I will be lonely and I will cry. I will be financial poor but I hope my spirit with get richer each day. I do still love him but sometimes that is not enough. A little piece of my soul is slipping away each day I stay. My heart is breaking but it will heal. I really do not know how I will start over, but I will and I must.

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