by Ian Heller

Created on: May 21, 2008   Last Updated: May 22, 2008

WHO NEEDS TIFFANY WHEN YOU HAVE BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD STYLE

I pierced my tongue because I wanted to do the nasty better. But all that happened was that I got my girlfriend's short black hairs got stuck in my teeth, like popcorn kernels.

Now that I got your attention, I would like to say that the reason I have no qualms about making such a comment is that why I chose to pierce my tongue is an unanswerable and vulgar question. Much like "how much money do you make?" or "why did you go to law school when there are already so many lawyers in the world?" It is not the type of question that should be asked in polite company.

I once heard an interesting idea:

The powerful do not go around explaining themselves. Only the powerless do.

We should all act like the powerful. The next time somebody asks you why you got your tongue pierced you should ignore the question and snub the speaker. Or mention that the quality of the oral sex has improved dramatically and smile.

You can never fully understand why you do what you do. Since 1990 I have pierced my earlobe and my tongue, and have been tattooed 15 times. I plan on a 16th tattoo and perhaps a 17th. I am not entirely sure why I have done any of this, though the decisions seem to be sexually-charged and based on a continuous need to attract female attention.

HOW DECISIONS ARE MADE

The thin outer level of the brain is responsible for language and rational thought.

The center of the brain, which we do not have access to, is responsible for our emotional responses. If a decision is made in this portion of the brain it is without our rational input and is based upon emotion. Not that there is anything wrong with this. Many decisions emanate from this murky portion of the brain.

After a decision is made in the depths of the brain, like the decision to pierce, the rational portion of the brain will then seek words to justify what was done. Inotherwords, a decision was made first and a rationalization was found thereafter.

It really does not matter what words or ideas you choose to justify your decision to pierce. The decision to pierce was wordless, emotional and not necessarily rational. Like nearly every decision everybody makes. Including people in the business world who wear suits and ties to their offices on Wall Street.

BE WARNED

My own style has been in development for 25 years. I consider it a mix of Dunhill, Versace, Tom Ford, Hermes, Pucci, Duchamp and Brooks Brothers with some black ink and body armor thrown in for good measure.

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