by R.E.D

Created on: May 21, 2008

Verbal battles can quickly spin out of control. One minute you are discussing the laundry the next minute your in a heated argument about the how he doesn't like you mother or how she thinks your lazy. sound familiar. Something in a conversation sparked and emotional reaction that lead to a ridiculous argument with someone you love. These triggers set off a series of physical and mental reactions. Something that was said makes your heart start pounding your temperature rise, and your throat to start closing up. then your brain tells you to fight back. Your mad and you want this other person to know it. You become defensive and instead of listening to what the other person has to say you are too busy thinking about how you are going to prove you are right.

So what do you do? Well first, it is important to understand that you don't want to argue with this person. Chances are if you are arguing it is because this person is someone you care about, and you felt hurt by them. Second, You need to understand that arguing is a choice. Feeling hurt or coming into conflict occasionally is inevitable, but you do have control over your own reaction to these feeling.

Now here you are you feel like you are going to explode like fireworks on the fourth of July. You want to tell this person they are wrong and all the reasons you are right and you want them to agree and shut up and apologize profusely for what they said. My guess is. That is not going to happen. So instead, you take a deep breath. You allow the person to finish speaking and you repeat what you have heard in an exaggerated way. If someone just said to you. "You do nothing around here, we agreed that you would clean the bathroom and now I have to do everything. This is such a waste of my time....etc" You say back. "You are upset because I did not clean the bathroom this week. And now you feel like you have to do it, and because you have to do it you are now taking time out of your day to do this unplanned chore. Is that correct" Repeating this persons word will make them stop and think about what they said. It prevents an immediate reaction.

Once you both understand the problem you can talk about the solution. In this situation you could say. "This week has been busy. I can clean the bathroom now that I have some time." This way you have told them your reason for not previously cleaning the bathroom and are offering a compromising solution to the problem, avoiding an argument all together.

These step can only work if your head is clear. If you are to upset to respond in a non confrontational way. then you need to take a step back. Take a walk or some time, and come back to the situation when you feel you are ready. Handling the situation and coming up with a solution rather than arguing will make both of you feel better in the short and long run. This method will allow you to get back to what is really important your love for one another. Conflict may arise but arguing is unnecessary you just have to make the choice.

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