by Barbie Bertrand

Created on: May 20, 2008

It's done, over, finished and nothing left but the wonderful memories and the inability to think about him without tears welling in my eyes.

I am strong though, I have learned that life doesn't end once your relationships end. It doesn't matter what type of relationship we are losing, life goes on. Would we die and curl up in a corner if they stopped selling ice cream (hmmmm that might be going a bit far?)Do we crawl into the closet and close the door when we lose our job? Do we wither into nothingness when the love of our lives (the only one I have ever loved)comes to his senses and takes stability over love and lust? Possibly yes, hopefully no.

I don't know yet. It just happened to me and all I know is that one of the ways I deal with life's ups and downs is to write a "story" about what has happened. It helps me to deal with the roller coaster of emotions I go through when life isn't rosy.

I was reading a story to my son tonight and I had to keep stopping to take deep breaths (just like now)so that I could hold back the tears. I don't want him to see his mother, his pillar of strength, show how weak and fragile she can be once her heart is broken.

I don't want it to end but I know it is for the best. It doesn't make it any easier to say to myself that everybody is better off this way, it makes it harder. I am not better off this way, just everybody else.

How can this be? How can this be the end? I am so confused, I am so hurt, I am so....everything but happy.I feel like my heart is going to stop beating or beat so hard from pain that it will implode. I feel short of breath, where is my strength going?

Thank heavens I have my family, friends, job, health and most of all inner strength. I know in the days and weeks to come there will be many times,if you could look into my world without me knowing, you would see me lying in the fetal position praying for sleep to come so the pain would stop.

It is so profound that as I was typing that line, a dear friend emailed me and wrote the following; "I just saw the change, I feel so sad for you but I know you are a strong woman and eventually that strong man who deserves you will find you".

How does this person know this about me? Am I really that strong? Will I make it through this? I want to. I want to become stronger, happier and more confident. However, when someone who is supposed to love you so much that they risk everything for you, turns away, what does that say about your worth? Am I worthy of love or will I spend my life feeling lonely, lost and unlovable? Will I be alone for ever?

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