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I have just about the nicest job in the world: I sell cinema tickets. Possibly the only bad thing about my job is the uniform. All very well for the tiny girls I work with, but a real squeeze for my fat behind. And low on the hips and not much give. All of which adds up to the fact that I'm pretty sure I show off my underwear every time I bend over. There are lots of security cameras at work, and I just make the effort to give the bosses a laugh, you know: spotty underpants one day, bright red frilly ones the next.

My workmates are a bunch of lovely people. Most of them including the bosses are young enough to be my children. They're always laughing and joking and the customers are pretty much all in a good mood. Who wouldn't be? Movies are fun. Still, there are moments

About 90% of the time my greeting, "Hi, how can I help you?" is answered with "Fine thanks, how are you?" I'm sure people aren't that hard of hearing.

Those who listen often come up with the witty riposte, "Well, maybe you could sell me a ticket to a movie."

Awwwwww. And I wanted to reveal to them secrets of the unknown universe.

All of the sessions at the cinema where I work have allocated seating and I get the most interesting answers when I ask: "Where would you like to sit?"

Those of scintillating intelligence reply: "On my bum." Or: "On a seat." Or: "In the cinema."

Geeee. So I don't get to give them those terrific trapeze spots, hanging by their ankles from the chandeliers. What a shame.

Of course there are the people who come along with 4 year olds and when asked about where they would like to sit, promptly turn to the 4 year old and ask THEM where they would like to sit. This so frustrates me! As if a 4 year old has any idea. In the middle or on the aisle? The 4 year old doesn't even know what an aisle IS and I only asked because if the kid's bladder is as reliable as mine then you're going to want to get out and rush to the toilet just at the most exciting moment but that's okay. You know. If you want to sit in the middle up the back (which is where everyone else is sitting, by the way) then you can have the fun of inconveniencing everyone by shoving past them and missing the good bit of the movie taking the little one on a toilet break.

Movies with MA 15+ or R ratings are always good fun. There's always going to be some kid who wants to buy 7 tickets, for all his mates. Fine, I tell him, no problems. I just need to see 7 IDs. "Are you serious?" I am inevitably asked. "Mate, I have better things

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