by Scott Wilkins

Created on: May 20, 2008

Cats are sinister, perceptive creatures placed on the planet by God (or aliens) to judge us. They feign incomprehension, but the truth is revealed behind their snake-like orbs. Perched high on a refrigerator or from a darkened corner they keep a vigilant watch on our human tragi-comedy, noting our moments and hours of weakness and reporting their findings to sources above while we sleep.

The next time you find yourself knuckle deep in a nostril or claiming false dependents on your tax return, meet the gaze of your cat. If you do not shutter, if you do not whimper with guilt like a disgraced youth minister, then you are not truly human. When held in the vice-grip stare of feline superiority, one can not help but feel worthless and small. All of your misdeeds are being tallied for the coming reckoning.

And lest you think they are honor-bound to the strict, unbiased reporting one may find at the New York Times, think again. Cats' tales are undoubtedly trumped up exaggerations at best. I wouldn't be surprised if half the information they deliver is completely unfounded. I once forgot to change a litter box at the expected hour- you would have guessed by the look I received that I had drowned a litter of kittens. In fact, I expect to see that on my dossier when I meet my maker and, plead as I may, I will find that it has been falsely reported with feline alacrity.

You may think you can bribe your way to salvation with treats or cloud their perception with the heady scent of catnip, but you are wrong. They see through you. Intelligent? You bet your hell-bound (or probe-bound) patooty they are.

As you may have noticed, it is quite impossible to rid yourself of these furry spies. They are designed to be impossibly cute and even if you could override your nurturing program, they are experts at finding their way back from any location on earth by way of a homing beacon that has been cleverly placed in your suitcase. Wherever you go, they will be there.

If, by some unspeakable act, you were to try something more drastic, you would find that the old adage of cats having nine lives is not just an old wives' tale. Each reincarnation of cat is also nine times more powerful and nine times more devious than the last. You would not survive an encounter with a level nine cat.

The only thing you can do is wait on your little masters hand and foot until they naturally pass from this mortal realm. But, whatever you do, never make the mistake of thinking they don't understand us- that's what they want you to think.

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