by Richard Hooton

Created on: May 19, 2008

Among the many things I don't understand about relationships is why they last as long as they do. I have become a master at hiding my feelings in the interest of extending the life of a relationship. As a rule, from what I have learned about human feelings and emotions, most of them would be best kept hidden, or at least subdued. The rule only applies to men, of course. Women won't hide a feeling-not even one that deserves to be hidden. They won't even try. Being the clairvoyant creatures that they are, women seem to have a deep-rooted sense of what is wrong with a relationship, and are determined to identify it and fix it.

They are unable to retire for the night without resolving whatever may be the cause of trouble between them and their mates. Unlike us men, who can roll over and go to sleep even if the house is on fire, as long as it hasn't reached the bedroom yet. From a man's perspective, if trouble exists in a relationship, it might just go away with a good night's rest. Or not. If it's still there in the morning, it can always be discussed over bacon and eggs, right? Nope. The problem is magnified now, and the woman is too angry to talk. Sensing this animosity, a man will often feign forgetfulness, or stupidity, and say he can't remember what the discussion was all about the night before. Or better yet, he pretends to be late for work and tries to rush for the door, only to be headed off before he can reach for the doorknob, and gently reminded "it's Sunday, sweetheart. No work today."

God help the man who attempts to hide his feelings from his mate, and gets caught doing it. It's better not to have any feelings than to get caught hiding them. A man who is invited to share his feelings with his significant other will be punished if he does. It's a trap. He must remain stoic at all times-no facial expressions, and no wavering voice or downcast eyes. And definitely no whining or blubbering, not even if he has been caught doing something bad, like drinking out of the milk carton and putting it back on the refrigerator shelf. If a man feels so much as a scintilla of pain from hurt feelings, he is best advised to keep it to himself. If he lets his suffering be known, he will no longer be a man. He will be half a man.

With few exceptions, the mood and direction of every relationship is determined by the woman. At least, for as long as the relationship lasts, that is. And maybe for several months after it ends. I'm pretty sure that's how God intended it. Besides, men don't want to be responsible for it-kind of like housekeeping. I'm not sure whether women have more feelings, or just want to talk about them more than men do. One thing is certain-there is a vast difference between the sexes regarding the perception of relationships.

I failed to notice a new hairstyle once. It looked exactly the same as before, although she insisted she just had it cut and styled. I missed a new and expensive knit pantsuit outfit, too, so I got to pay for it twice. I did compliment her for how nice she looked when she wore it out to dinner on her birthday, which was a day late because I forgot, but I didn't notice the outfit was new. More feelings were hurt. Men are tough on relationships, I think. We don't mean to be, we just are. We're better at dealing with the tangible feelings. You know, the real ones. I feel hot I feel cold I feel sleepy. I feel stupid.

I wouldn't feel hurt if she didn't notice that I was wearing a new shirt or that I just got a haircut. I wouldn't even be offended if she didn't remember my birthday. "You forgot my birthday? Damn, so did I. Let's order pizza. I feel hungry."

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