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Electric Family

My cousin Suzie was electric. I don't mean that in a figurative way. Electrolytes filled her blood stream. At least that's how she explained it. Some people occasionally shock themselves when touching a doorknob, when it's winter and the air is dry, wearing those special socks. Not Suzie. Suzie could shoot out one-inch lightning bolts every time she opened a door. In 95% humidity.

Suzie loved her first husband to death. In other words, he died while making love. Her electricity made his heart burst.

As for her second husband, Bob, she saved his life. It's how they fell in love. She asked for the time and Bob showed her his watch. When she touched the watch, it stopped working. He didn't realize it until the next day when he was late for his flight. The plane blew up. He saw her again a week later and asked her to marry him. Bob has a good heart, so they have three children now.

Suzie passed on her sparks to Jen, the youngest one. Some people call her "Jenerator". My kids call her "Volta". Volta came to stay with us for a month last summer.

We drove down the coast and stayed with Suzie for a couple of days. It was just after school had finished, and it was Volta's ninth birthday. And having the sense of humor I do, I suggested we give her a nine volt battery. My family wasn't for that idea. I got it anyway. As the party ended and all the gifts were unwrapped, I presented my gift. Volta jumped when she saw it. When she took it from my hands, a bolt shot from Volta to the battery to my hand. I yelled an expletive. The battery dropped. Suzie's stupid dog ate the battery and ran out of the room. Suzie ran after the dog, and Volta burst out laughing.

My hand still tingled an hour later. Volta said it was the best gift she'd ever received, even if it was somewhere in the dog's digestive tract.

The next morning we packed up the car and drove up the coast. About 20 miles from our home, the car's radio went out, and then the car died. I coasted to the side of the road and opened the hood. The battery was completely dead. We were on a small road with almost no traffic, and I realized that Volta had started to play a game on my cell phone. Before I finished dialing the number for information, the phone shut off. The nearest living being was 5 miles away. No cars passed for two hours.

Volta started to cry. She tried to hide her tears. I told her it wasn't her fault. It was something out of her control. My phone suddenly switched on. I grabbed it and quickly called

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