by Rush Mckenzie

Created on: May 19, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

I have been an alcoholic all of my life has far as I can tell. I took my first drink when I was nine. That is when the sweet devil knocked on my door and stole my candy; and the rest of my childhood. I did not just ease into drinking. I dove right in without a single thought. The buzz took the edge off and I felt "normal" right from the start. I now have been sober for a little over twenty-three months at the age of twenty-seven.

It has been a difficult road from hell. I drank to suppress feelings. To control them. Now I do not have that advantage to fight the nasty little feelings. I went to a few AA Meetings before my last drink. Then I decided to relocate.

I started attending Alcoholics Anonymous on a regular basis. I went to meetings has often has my locked down schedule would allow. I suddenly found myself a secretary of a meeting. It landed in my lap like an atom bomb. It was at a sobriety club. I appreciated the support that I did receive. Along with guidance from well intended members. What I could not stand was the juvenile mentality. All of the gossip, rumors and fights. That did not help in my sobriety. I did, however, remain sober.

I went attending meetings at other locales. Some were more grown-up and helpful than others. But I was hanging on to a few people who did not have a good sense of themselves. They seemed not to be able to stay sober. I was afraid that if I retained our relationship at the status as it would, I would surely relapse. So I decided to provide relational boundaries. My "friends" did not seem to appreciate this so much. So I felt that it was necessary for my safety to leave the friendships. It was painful. These people had supported me emotionally when they could afford to. I am eternally grateful for this.

I then read a book by Colin A. Ross M.D. tilted THE TRAUMA MODEL:A Solution To The Problem Of Comorbidy In Psychiatry. In the long and short of it, he basically explains that the problem is not the problem. So my alcoholism was not "the" problem. It was a problem. But it was a symptom of "the" problem. I concur.

So due to all the difficulties of AA that I had treaded through, I decided to pass on the secretary position and cease attending all meetings. It was time to deal with "the" problem. I was already in therapy.

My feelings are my problem. I have never learned how to cope with them effectively. I just stuffed them in a bottle of whatever sounded good that moment(usually Long Island Iced Teas, not a bottle literally I suppose then.) I have been in therapy for many years, but not sober. I have steadily worked day by day to moment by moment on dealing with my feelings without the drink. It has not been pretty folks. I did not learn one thing in AA. I did however learn many things in therapy without alcohol. Also, utilizing tools that I have learned in the past. It does not mean, however, that I am all better. My anger comes exploding all over the place and glass starts flying at times. There is always something underneath that anger. I have to reach that. I still crave a drink or twenty from time to time. I utilize my grounding skills at that time. That helps to get me through the cravings.

I am not knocking AA in the least. AA has saved countless lives; and many are my friends. I am saying that it did not work for me. I found something that did. Work on why I drank. I will, God willing, if the cosmos are aligned just right and if I choose, I will have two years sober on June 15th. It is still a work in progress(always will be.)

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