by Rush Mckenzie

Created on: May 19, 2008

When I was fifteen, I lost my girlfriend to murder. It has been the most debilitating event of my life. It is an event that I have not "gotten over." It haunts me every day and every night. I still believe that I see her in a crowd or a small distance away over a decade later. I hear her sweet voice whispering in my ear when I wake up; and sometimes smell her. I hurt every day. Am angry every day. I have not found any motivation in my life since.

I had the unfortunate/fortunate experience of being present when she was murdered. The images, smell, sounds and feelings are still with me. It won't go away no matter what I do. In a way, a very small way, that is a good thing. I know without a shadow of a doubt that she loved me. I know that she was my soul mate. She did the one thing that proves that a person loves them; she died for me. She saved my life that night. I am angry at her for that. I wish that I would have died instead. She has two beautiful children, a mother and many people who love her; and always will.

She was the most wonderful person in the world. She is my angel. I will never forget her laugh, her smile, her strength, her wisdom nor her will. She was a free spirit and died one. That is one thing that they could never take away from her. She was a force to be reckoned with. She had a heart that was pure. She was the most honest person that I have ever met.

Because of this, I do not trust anyone today. I have been burned so many times by so many people. She has been the only person that I have trusted. I miss her singing. I miss the way she looked at me and I just knew what that expression meant. She was real for me. She wore no masks for me. She gave me everything that she had.

She and I met at the porch in the evenings when we could. We would hold each other and speak about our dreams, hopes and aspirations. She was an amazing lover. Very knowing. Very giving. I miss her touch, her breath on my neck. She taught me kindness, gentleness and love. She taught me compassion and empathy. She taught me the reason of the world.

I miss her strength. She never gave up on me; or anything. She was stubborn in the most awesome, inspiring way.

I feel anger, hatred and much more towards the people who murdered her. She wanted a life with her children and I. They took that away from her. I miss her wisdom of forgiveness. She believed that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that. I don't want this life that I have. It is a burden that I carry with me.

I will see her tonight. I will see her tomorrow. She will forever be in my heart. She will forever be in my life. I cannot move forward. I have not a pinch of motivation to do so. I remember the night that she died like it were moments ago. I can see, hear, smell and feel the experience. It haunts me to the depths of my soul.

She gave me strength, hope and a reason to be alive; not just live.

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