by Dwight Whitsett

Created on: December 21, 2006   Last Updated: May 16, 2007

Rocks at Twenty Paces
How Spouses Can Hurt Each Other

"...does not take into account a wrong suffered..." Lorna and Frank were "at each other's throat" again. One thing that they had perfected in their five years of marriage was the art of fighting. Usually it was over money or how to raise little Hortense. They fought in private. They fought in public. They fought in the morning. They fought at night. The fight would begin with a personal criticism. It might even be a valid, constructive criticism. Because they had already managed to build up a huge reservoir of resentment, however, they were not able to hear and cope with any criticism, no matter how constructive or valid. Fights would quickly progress to include any thing that was upsetting them. Since they both had a good case of "selfishitis," it could be something as simple as eating the last piece of bacon. Then the insults would begin: "Well...if your feet were not so incredibly BIG..." Soon it would include some of the most damaging weapons of all: past wrongs suffered.

One of my favorite marriage counselors called it "Rocks at Twenty Paces." Each spouse carries a bag of rocks symbolizing the grudges of the past. During a row, they look in their bag of rocks (grudges) and select a good one to throw at the other spouse. He: "Do you remember the time you and your mother dumped my beer can collection in the trash!?" She: "Yes, but that was because you always leave your underwear in the hallway!" The bag can be quite large and contain selected rocks known for their ability to bring blood. One thing that must happen before love can blossom in any relationship is that the bags must be dumped and destroyed. True love does not collect the grudge-rocks. Much discipline and will-power is taken to keep from dredging up those rocks during a battle. Some of them fit the hand so well! Some of them have proved their ability to hurt in past conflicts. The desire to hurt as vengeance for being hurt may be human but it is not Christian. Christian lovers must be more interested in resolving an argument than winning it! Now, wash the blood off, and kiss and make up!

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