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Studying abroad in Japan, I am constantly looking for new and exciting cultural experiences. Today, I went to see a free (for the exchange students - $100 per seat for normal patrons) Noh play. For those who aren't in the "know", Noh theatre is one of the most traditional, stylized, and oldest forms of entertainment in Japan. Well, official entertainment. The oldest actual entertainment in Japan is the same as everywhere else in the world - hit your neighbor/relative/perfect stranger over the head with a club (or club-analogue) and take his stuff, then go spend some of it having celebratory sex (or sex-analogue) with someone else. (This has always been the most traditional and widely-spread form of entertainment for all the worlds' peoples, of course. Ah, the wonders and beauty of our human heritage.)

Anyways, Noh theatre is so very traditional, that they still use the original actors! There was some consternation a few hundred years ago, when it was discovered that the actors had all died some years before, but all worries were assuaged when one observant person noticed that, luckily, a freak bout of geology had occurred, and the actors had all petrified. Apparently, the breakneck speeds involved in rotting had been too action-packed and thrill-ridden for the actors to handle, so they had opted out. This had allowed them to nicely continue their careers, unhindered and undiscovered, for years; although there had been a few complaints by audience members about the unseemly, graceless speeds with which they were now moving around the stage.

During the play, I kept track of the time (luckily, I had a calender function on my cell-phone) because I figured that, maybe, I would leave the play early and save myself some trouble and money - I figured I could return to America via continental drift, and skip the boring flight home. However, at the closest perihelion, the point when I could have walked back to the USA, there was an absolutely riveting epoch... I mean epic point in the story. It was crucial to the narrative, full of edge-of-the-seat excitement. Would the character in the White Mask, unthinkably, revolutionarily, take a step? He eventually decided to go with the more tried-and-true route, but I swear, for a few carbon half-lifes it could have gone either way. By the time the sticky situation was resolved, we had again attained the apex of our aphelion. Roads not taken, eh?

During the middle of the play, there was this one awesome part of the play, where one character whipped out a bazooka, was taken out by a flying roundhouse-kick to the head by the other character, and then a spaceship landed and attractive alien girls wearing skimpy spacesuits started to give everyone free ice cream, but sadly I woke up before they got up to our seats. When I looked at the stage, I was lost and couldn't figure out where the story currently was, but my friend kindly filled me in. Apparently, some rambunctious young dust had settled on character one, and character two had grown this stately, noble-looking stalagmite beard. I was swiftly caught up in the action once again, and no harm was done to my overall enjoyment of the play.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Noh theatre may cause death due to old age.

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