It never fails. Never. Everytime the horizon looks brighter, a dark cloud will hover to try and pour rain upon the setting.

It is not fair. To suffer the consequences of an assumed guilt over and over again can be mentally depleting and emotionally distressing. And at this state of mind, I do not have the strength to struggle for victory because it is not about winning. It is not about being in the wrong or being in the right. It is just about trying to overcome the torment of condemnation. CONDEMNATION. An expression of disapproval or discontent over a misguided judgement.

It is not fair. To perpetually carry the 'sins' of the past and not be given the chance to justify the misdeed... that is truly frustrating. I always have to be on my guard... to walk on eggshells as I contend with that little voice that denounces my every act into a wrongdoing.

It is not fair. To come too close to the person who fills that celestial sphere with brightness, only to be tarnished by a speck of dirt.. is absolutely dispiriting.

Where have I gone wrong? Is it really me? Is it ME and my queer self-expression that does not conform with virtuous conduct? Is it ME and my relentlessly insolent attitude that goes beyond the limits of social acceptance?

Is it ME for being ME?

It must be ME. Wherefore, what else is there to do but to walk away. I wouldn't call this the defeat of giving up; rather, the consolation of letting go.

Indeed I can walk away - just like those who have walked away from me. I didn't say it is easy, but it is not as bad as one foresees it.

To turn my back and walk away is for me not to talk into having that person stay with me, call me, care about me, love me. To rid myself of a nagging guilt, I have to brave these acts of which I have been accustomed to doing. To give myself that inner peace that I have always deserved, I need to re-direct my path... and say "this is it!" I have to accept that my destiny is to not be suffering the loss of what I have not acquired.

Like I said, it's not easy. Nothing is ever easy. But once I've crossed that line that separates the heart from the mind, it should be a downslide.

I have once read something that somehow relates to this sentiment. Though it is not directly complementing the sentiment I have, it does give a comforting message. It's not so much as telling me what to do, but more of what it will be "if and when" I've overcome the conflict.

(I do not know the author's name, but if anyone does, please let me know so I can give due credit): "For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat, I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ... LET IT GO!"

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