I've always heard that "You're only as old as you feel!" Of course, the idiot who said that was only 30 at the time - or lying to those of use who are over 30 - so we can immediately discount anything he said. I've actually never really thought of myself as being particularly old (I'm 65.), but my "friends" keep bringing the subject up and reminding me that I can soon collect Social Security! Oh, that always seems to bring a sick laugh or two, but I've managed to ignore them so far! If nothing else, reaching this point in my life has taught me patience. Every day older I get, they do, too, so I am planning sweet retribution!
You see, I was handling this growing old thing just fine, until I was forced by my wife to go shopping with her one Saturday, and we ended up at Target. She went one way, and I went another, and I discovered a small cafe. Stepping confidently up to the counter, I ordered a cup of coffee. The young man taking my order gazed at me for a moment as if making a decision, smiled when he reached it, and said, with a smirk, "Coffee. Yessir! I guess you must qualify for a Senior cup!"
That's when it hit me: I am old and getting older by the minute! When I can order Senior meals at IHOP and no one "cards" me, I know it's only a matter of time until I'm gumming my oatmeal at the "home" and watching Judge Judy in the afternoons! When I fall asleep in my chair during the first five minutes of "Desperate Housewives", then it's time to hang up the remote! When it takes me three days to mow the yard - with a riding lawn mower, no less - then I need to have the yard paved and give the mower to the little old widow lady (who's a young 80!) across the street! When I meet my wife at Walmart after work and end up in the electronics section looking at massage chairs instead of plasma T.V.'s, then I guess I might as well start going to the Senior Center for decaf and dominoes!
I was O.K. when I hit 30, and the "funny" cards and black balloons at 40 didn't even hurt very much. At 50, I still had my hair (although it was showing a startling amount of gray!) and most of my teeth, so I wasn't nervous at all when the cake they gave me was literally on fire from the depressingly large number of candles! I just laughed along with everyone else, glad I could bring some small measure of joy into their otherwise meaningless lives! When my lovely and loving wife signed me up for an AARP membership, without consulting me first, I was still reasonably perky and optimistic about the future. I never read that stupid magazine they publish anyway, even if Jack Nicholson is on the cover...and it makes a great fire starter! No, 30, 40, or even 50 didn't bother me at all - at least not in public. But the 60's have begun to irritate ever so slightly!
I've been a teacher for 42 years now, and I can look back with fondness and joy at the wonderful times I've had and the terrific students I've taught. When I recently went to the teachers' retirement system office to see what I needed to do to begin that process, I was distressed and surprised when the pert young lady who interviewed me said: "42 years! Wow! I can't even remember when we had anyone in here with that many years!" Well, gee! That's what I needed to hear! I've become some sort of old relic - a world record holder, no less! It didn't help matters at all when she called a co-worker in to "check out what 42 years teaching teenagers does to you!" I maintained a small measure of calm decorum and made some lame joke about "old dogs and new tricks" or something like that and quickly left the building! I pulled in at a McDonald's and drowned my sorrows in a cup of stale coffee (Yep, Senior cup - 49 cents!)
While I sat there sipping and grimacing, I made a startling discovery about my life. As I stared at the coffee grounds in the bottom of the cup, I realized that I was wallowing in self-pity and letting myself be the butt of everyone's else's sick jokes! It was time I took control of my life and stood up on my own two feet! I remembered that I was part of the "Greatest Generation" in American history and deserved the respect of all of the Gen-X smart-alecks that seem to have taken over the fast-food industry! Shoot! We put men on the moon, created rock-and-roll music, conquered polio and smallpox, developed the computer, Shelby Mustangs, and shopping malls! We built magnificent high-rise buildings, incredible bridges and dams, and the Interstate highway system! In our spare time, we came up with the two greatest inventions in history - the television remote control and Monday night football! I had no reason to feel ashamed about my age - on the contrary, I had a lot to be thankful for! That's when I made a momentous decision...
No longer am I going to let some snot-nosed, acne-covered, smart-mouthed 16-year-old serve me a Senior cup of coffee I didn't order! I am going to jerk him over the counter, club him with my cane, and make him charge me full price! The next time one of my students discovers my age and exclaims: "Wow! You're older than my grandfather!", I will immediately dock his grade 20 points and throw his cell phone against the wall! If his mom even begins to consider arguing with me about my violent outburst and sugggests anger management, I will threaten to tell her son about the time I caught her sneaking off campus when I taught her 25 years ago! The very next time my son gives me some sarcastic and "cutesy" card on my birthday or Fathers' day, I will hire a lawyer and rewrite my will!
And...I am turning in my Medicare card...just as soon as I can remember where I put it!