I am proud to be Muslim and even though I have only been a Muslim for about 5 months, I am learning more and more every day about my chosen faith and how beautiful Allah and Islam is. Having said this, I must admit that I am struggling greatly with the wearing of the hijab. I want to wear it every day all day, but I find myself not doing so. Why you ask? The short answer is the stares, questions, and plain ignorance of people.
Let me provide some personal information: I am a US Department of the Army civilian employee and my position title is Equal Employment Opportunity Specialist. I ensure that the agency I work for does not discriminate against employees based on Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and other laws on discrimination. I have been blessed, Alhamdullah, by a wonderful supervisor who supports my religion and lets me go to Jumaah on Fridays with no charge to my vacation time. If I did not have to deal with anyone else in the place that I work, I would cover every day. Unfortunately I deal with many people and interact with many people on a daily basis. I am getting used to it now and I cover more frequently than I did at first. Recently I was told that my secret clearance was revoked and I would lose my job in a few months. One of the reasons my clearance was revoked: I reverted to Islam and married an Egyptian. How ironic, to have a job ensuring that a person is not discriminated against based on race, sex, religion, physical disability, age, etc. and to now have my job threatened because of my religion.
I feel guilty when I don't cover because I do not feel a part of Allah nor my Muslim community. I want to cover more often but am now paranoid about the reactions of the people I come in contact with in my position at work. I was in Egypt with my husband last week and my husband told me not to cover. I didn't like it because I stood out, in my mind, as a foreigner and a non-believer. I told my husband that I would prefer to cover because I felt out of place; he said it was more comfortable (cooler) for me if I didn't. I, of course, did what my husband asked. One day, however, I did cover and I told him I felt more comfortable wearing my hijab. I guess I still stood out as a foreigner because my husband was asked several times if I were Muslim. I was so happy that I wore my hijab that day.
I like to cover and wish I were better at making my scarves look nice and stylish; although I have improved with practice in this area as well. I am proud to be Muslimah and InshaAllah I will lose the shyness about covering.