by Baraneh Quest

Created on: May 17, 2008

Had I been awake.
Had I been aware.
Had I been able.
I would have told you.
Said to you.
Conveyed to you.
Expressed to you.
All that I held inside.

I did not know how to navigate.
Numb from the pain.
Smell of sweet coconut and ocean spray.
The feel of grainy sand beneath my feet,
and sun on my shoulder.
Taste of cornbread.
Sounds of calm waves.
My senses were there.

But my heart balloned.

It got to be so big,
and so heavy.
That it reached up to my throat.
And choked me.
I wasn't able to breathe.
Nor to speak.
I lost the words I needed to say.
The pain was just too deep.

I sometimes think back on those few last days.
We were alone.
I had so many opportunities to say all
that I wanted to say.
To ask all that I wanted to ask.
To be all that I dreamed of being with you.
And I couldn't.
I didn't know how.

I didn't know how to tell you then,
to ask you then,
Why are you giving up on us?
Why do you not want to be with me?
Why are you leaving us?
What do you want from me?
What could I have done differntly?

I didn't ask.
I didn't say. I didn't do.
I didn't know how.
I wasn't awake. I wasn't aware.
I wasn't able.
I just didn't have the words.

It's as if they left my body.
I remember being there.
Alone with you on that island.
And wanting so bad to say something.
But being so hurt by you that I didn't know how.
Being so angry that you took me somewhere,
where I was forced to be next to you,
given no space to think.
You took me there to break my heart.
And I fell for it.

I thought we were going there for you
to say to me
that you were going to leave but not leave me.
But in your own selfish way,
you took me there so that I could not escape.
And feeling so alone while laying next to you,
is something I will never forget
for the rest of my life.

Can I blame myself for not being able to speak?
No.
I can only understand it.
I don't think you can understand it.
You asked me once, crying, "Why didn't you ask me to stay?"
As if you needed the proof that I wanted you to.
As if my not saying "stay" meant that I didn't want you to.
What you never seem to get...
what you never, ever seem to get...
is that I was numb.
My heart crushed over and over,
caved in and the powder that formed
filled the volume of my chest.
And choked me.

I couldn't say anything at all.
I just went through the motions.
Got through my time.
And even now.
When I think of it.
My heart explodes.
And I'm choking all over again.
At a loss for words.
All my unsaid words.

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