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1. Stockpile your cellar with BEANS, BEER, BULLETS and BARRICADES. You need to outlast the relentless waves of zombies intent upon your destruction so make sure you have enough provisions for the weekend. Don't underestimate the amount of barricade you need.

2. Design a PUBLIC AWARENESS CAMPAIGN. Use posters such as 'How to recognise a ZOMBIE' and 'Beware ZOMBIE'. This is important early on when zombies are mistaken for drunks, tramps, and binge drinkers. You education campaign needs to have a greater than fifty per cent success rate.

3. Protect POLITICIANS AND NEWSREADERS - they are less resistant to becoming zombies than the general population. Ignore what politicians and newsreaders say during the apocalypse - it will be inaccurate and seek to justify a lack of preparedness and awareness (find a good blogger instead).

4. BAN NEWS CREWS from conflict areas. It becomes very difficult to differentiate between them and the zombies. The zombies are the ones moving.

5. For those with SUVs, four-wheel drives, or other off-road vehicles you should use ANTI-ZOMBIE tactics. Drive unpredictably, change lanes abruptly, stray onto the footpath and turn in front of oncoming traffic - that is, keep doing what you are doing. Also stockpile petrol (gas) away from incendiary weapons.

6. Don't rely on your ON-LINE SOCIAL NETWORK for support during the crisis. You will find your Facebook friends are not willing to sacrifice themselves for you. Also note that power and telephone services may be down so it will be difficult to check emails. Keep your battery charged.

7. Chose a MOBILE PHONE (CELL-PHONE) PROVIDER that IS guaranteed zombie-proof and doesn't charge extra for disaster calls. Locate yourself in an area that has good coverage from all parts of your cellar.

8. SELECT a GOOD SHOT-GUN. In the US this should be easy; elsewhere, where short-sighted Governments have made gun-ownership difficult, you may need the black-market (wear a dark suit and sunglasses and ask the bartender at a local waterfront bar). For zombie-hunting a long-barreled shot-gun capable of rapid fire is best. It is also good for hunting other survivors once the food runs out.

9. Don't forget the importance of TEAM-BUILDING during the difficult times. It doesn't take a big budget and business-suited consultants (unless of course you are a large corporation) to suggest your team may get stressed and conflicts may develop. Chose a facilitator to help work through problems in the team dynamic, beware those seeking redemption. Also don't forget to STOCKPILE WHITE-BOARD MARKERS.

10. When involved in pitched battles with hordes of rampaging zombies intent on the destruction of you, your friends, and your family be mindful that zombies are almost humans too. People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies PROTECT zombies from OVER-EXPLOITATION and UNDUE CRUELTY.

Learn more about this author, Tim Entwisle.
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