There are some phrases that just should never come out of a mother's mouth. "Don't stand on your brother's head!" "Untie him, right now! I'm not going to tell you AGAIN!" "Cat's don't like to be in your toy kitchen's oven. Yes, I'm sure." Unfortunately in my two decades of parenting, each of these, and many, many more, has slipped, jumped, or exploded from my mouth at one time or another.
Parenting, with all it's glamor and mystique - - oh, who am I kidding!?! Parenting is a hard job, but fortunately, God has a sense of humor and blesses us with little breaks from the mundane, hectic routine to help us keep our wits about us. Little diversions, words or wisdom, or reality checks that help us remember that their eyes are always watching, and their ears are always on.
An elderly woman once complimented my now 14 year old son when he was 4 or so, saying: aren't you a little cutie pie" to which he replied in all seriousness: "God made me cute so my mommy wouldn't kill me!" Try explaining where he must have heard THAT from. Of course he couldn't help himself it was his brother who was standing on his head.
My daughter, at the age of 4, while I talked on the phone proceeded to calmly come to me with a small stack of blankets, hand them to me and turn and walk back to her room. Upon inspection I saw that they were charred on one side actually burnt partially through several layers of the material. As my adrenaline rose, I calmly told my mother I would have to call her back. Apparently the little darling had decided to make a tent, using her lamp as the tent pole. Of course the lamp had to be on - - it was dark in there!
I am not much of a drinker, but I have had my occasional night on the town. After such an evening with a girlfriend of mine, while Dad kept the kids, I had drank way more than I should have and had the headache to prove it. I awoke to the sounds of my youngest giggling wildly from his crib. I walked, or stumbled, down the hall to my boys' room to see what was going on. My husband was in the living room, I believe. The sight that I beheld looking in the door froze me to the spot. My foggy, hung over brain took a minute or two to register exactly what it was I was looking at. It appeared as if the room was covered with black snow or something. Confusion left me speechless for a moment or two. But eventually reality brought clarity, and with my blood began to surge to my already throbbing brain. My middle son stood in the middle of the bedroom. He was surrounded by what I had discovered was powdered Slim Fast mix. He apparently had gotten the can off the counter, and not the normal size can, but the JUMBO Sam's Club size can (that's me, buy in bulk, save a penny!) that had just been opened the previous morning. The carpet was covered, my son was covered, and as I turned to my youngest - - the giggler I discovered, he too was covered in chocolate powder that he had obviously consumed some of and smeared the rest along the walls around his crib. Being the loving, caring, calm mother that I am I gently looked into my son's eyes and said"RUN!" which sent him fleeing from the room to squealing "DAAAAADDDDYYYYYYYY!" Okay, probably not one of my better parenting moments. But at least I warned him, I could have just started swinging!
Children are inventive, I'll give them that. And curious! Who hasn't wondered what would happen if you stuck a key into a light socket? The babysitter, however, wasn't all that happy to discover that it tends to char your wall. And what thoughtful child would not strip naked on an elevated foundation to play in a puddle for all the neighbors to see? After all, didn't mommy always say to try and keep your clothes dry? She was only trying to follow directions.
I know that there has been much debate over the years as to how much the media influences our children. These days I don't think anyone would disagree with the fact that it has quite an impact. I for one wish that every television commercial would clearly state that disclaimer "Don't try this at home!" One afternoon my youngest, then about 10, approached me with a look as if he were about to cry. Once I finally coaxed the story out of him, this is what I made of it. He had bought chocolate milk at the local convenience store. He opened it and took a drink or two, and decided it hadn't been shaken enough. In the spirit of the current commercials that were being shown on television you know, like where the guy is riding a bicycle down an incredibly steep hill, crashes at the bottom only to take the milk out of his back pack, open it and drink it. Well, what these commercials fail to stress is the fact that you can only attempt such extreme measures with the little plastic ring INTACT. Once that ring is broken, the bottle is no longer liquid tight. So - - if said bottle, once having been opened, was say placed in a dryer and spun. You would not get well shaken hot chocolate. What happens is slowly a pool of chocolate milk begins to seep from UNDER said clothes dryer. Now, I must say that my reaction to this little escapade was handled much more calmly than the chocolate powder incident mentioned above. Perhaps I had aged, mellowed, or was just too tired to get overly excited anymore. As my son stood, awaiting certain death, I began to laugh. The look on his face told me he thought I had gone over the edge. I reached out (to which he flinched) gave him a hug and said, "Well, I guess I never told you not to put milk in the dryer. How can I punish you for that? It was an accident, right?" Needless to say he was definitely relieved.
My children are now in the teens and early 20s. I still think of them as my babies (sometimes much to their dismay), and still catch them in some of the most amusing acts. I have said all of this to say: Love your children! Tell them often, hug them every day, appreciate their uniqueness, and never compare siblings. And for your own sanity, as soon as they are old enough to comprehend, or better yet while they are still in the room, repeat this mantra to the unborn child every day: Kittens do not go in pillow cases, do not stand on anyone's head, do not put ANYTHING in the clothes dryer other than wet, CLEAN clothing, use soap in the shower, don't go outside in just your socks, nothing but food goes into the microwave and this excludes marshmallows, just because oranges are round, does not mean they are baseballs or golf balls, and pumpkin smashing is not a sport. You get the idea.