It was a heart wrenching moment when a particular song finally opened up my heart to understand the predicament my teenage boy was in. I've been quite harsh on him, nagging him over small issues and being suspicious of whom he befriends with. No matter how bad I treat him, never once did he raise his voice to me. Whenever it happens, he will try to explain the whole situation and then slowly retreats to his room, to drown his sorrows and frustrations in his favorite songs.
It had never occurred to me that he was deeply hurt each time I pick on him. It happens frequently whenever I receive news concerning bad debts from our side of the family even though it was not through any fault of his at all. I did realize, however, that he always contributes less during family conversations and most of the time he will just keep to himself.
Once in a while when I come to my senses after one of those nagging session, I take my time to explain to him that I never intend to hurt his feelings; that I just want him to realize how vulnerable he is in following the footsteps of those relatives, who had owed us so much money but never seem to make an effort to repay us back. He will just shoot me a blank look, as if saying "you only know how to say sorry each time but it will happen again. True enough even though he didn't say it out loud, the nagging continues relentlessly. I know he gets so frustrated with my behavior sometimes because my younger son always tell me that I'm being so hopelessly unreasonable.
The breakthrough came when he was selected to join a camp away from home. I packed up all the necessary items and he was away for a few days. Somehow during his absence, something triggers my heart. It's not that I miss my nagging sessions; it's just that I've got this aching emptiness inside of me; curiously I sit at his table and click on a folder to choose some music to play.
I choke right there as I listen to the song. Being born in the sixties, this type of music does not appeal much to me but the song's lyric echoes back to me, loud and clear. It goes something like this:
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
With all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, the fault is my own
[Repeat Chorus]
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today
[Repeat Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
When my younger son sees me sobbing in front of the computer he immediately understand what is happening. I ask him for the name of the song and he casually mentions Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park.
Through the lyrics, I realize that my teenage boy must have been screaming in his heart each time, pleading for me to understand him, begging me to make him feel that he is actually part of the family, to belong together. My heart ache with agony at the thought of how I had treated him over the years and with that realization, I promise myself never to shut him out of my heart again.
Thankfully, I only "lose" him for a few days and not forever. At least I still have the chance to make it up to him. From there onwards, I was able to salvage my relationship with my teenage boy. We are now able to interact like normal family. He's happier now than he used to be, happy that at last, I am able to see him for who he actually is.
I learn to enjoy their kind of music and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm no longer a stranger to names like Linkin Park, Simple Plan and Good Charlotte, just to name a few. I'm so glad that I listen to that music for it helps to open up my blind heart to let in the ray of light for my teenage boy.