by Annie H. Liko

Created on: May 16, 2008   Last Updated: June 17, 2009

It was a heart wrenching moment when a particular song finally opened up my heart to understand the predicament my teenage boy was in. I've been quite harsh on him, nagging him over small issues and being suspicious of whom he befriends with. No matter how bad I treat him, never once did he raise his voice to me. Whenever it happens, he will try to explain the whole situation and then slowly retreats to his room, to drown his sorrows and frustrations in his favorite songs.

It had never occurred to me that he was deeply hurt each time I pick on him. It happens frequently whenever I receive news concerning bad debts from our side of the family even though it was not through any fault of his at all. I did realize, however, that he always contributes less during family conversations and most of the time he will just keep to himself.

Once in a while when I come to my senses after one of those nagging session, I take my time to explain to him that I never intend to hurt his feelings; that I just want him to realize how vulnerable he is in following the footsteps of those relatives, who had owed us so much money but never seem to make an effort to repay us back. He will just shoot me a blank look, as if saying "you only know how to say sorry each time but it will happen again. True enough even though he didn't say it out loud, the nagging continues relentlessly. I know he gets so frustrated with my behavior sometimes because my younger son always tell me that I'm being so hopelessly unreasonable.

The breakthrough came when he was selected to join a camp away from home. I packed up all the necessary items and he was away for a few days. Somehow during his absence, something triggers my heart. It's not that I miss my nagging sessions; it's just that I've got this aching emptiness inside of me; curiously I sit at his table and click on a folder to choose some music to play.

I choke right there as I listen to the song. Being born in the sixties, this type of music does not appeal much to me but the song's lyric echoes back to me, loud and clear. It goes something like this:

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
With all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

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