by Gary Jenkins

Created on: May 15, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

I remember being a kid and thinking about how wonderful it was going to be someday to be married and to be a husband and a father.I'm not sure how old I was,but I remember the warm glow that washed over me,thinking about what a glorious role lay ahead of me,and how I was going to be the greatest dad and how I was going to make my wife the happiest woman in the known universe.

Three marriages later I can now attest to the difficulty of achieving this perfect harmony.Somehow,it just isn't that easy.I can write and write about what went wrong,but that is not our topic.Our discussion is about how we felt isolated after our divorce.I am very qualified here to discuss the agony and the loneliness one experiences after a divorce.

Mostly,there is a sense of humiliation.That is the first thing that hits you.You have bragged and boasted about how "perfect" she/he was.And now this total collapse of your kingdom occurs.And you find yourself trying to explain what went wrong to everybody.Then you arrive at a point where you clam up.You are sick of explaining yourself,so you simply refuse to speak about it.

Then,there comes the depression.You will hide yourself.You will refuse to come out into the daylight because this has transformed you into a creature of the night.And this brings us to the last part...

You are full of fire!You are ready to lose weight,lift weights,run 3 miles a day and get sexy again,cause you are not having sex on a regular basis anymore!And suddenly your body transforms into the guy you always wanted to be...and your now ex-wife sees you at the flea-market and says "Hey-Baby!" and you strut past her with several chicks in tow!Then you have sex with one of them and the cycle repeats itself.

The isolation part is the most difficult to talk about.When you love someone and that person changes their mind about loving you,or you can no longer feel the love you once had for them,it will literally tear you apart!There is a pain which transcends physical pain.This pain is emotional,and cannot be remedied with any pill known to man.There is not enough liquor or drugs to heal that hurt.Hence,many of us keep trying to put out that flame with drugs and alcohol.Yet,no matter what we do,it still hurts.

I sit here writing.No one can see my tears.I have used drugs and alcohol to ease my pain.Yet there is no end to this pain.I have found a beautiful woman who loves me.Yet I keep doing the drugs and the alcohol.She needs me to stop.I need to stop.My children need me to stop.Yet I keep on drinking...marijuana is way better than booze.Why don't we legalize pot?

I proof read.I think I can say that to be alone really sucks.I remember being in my apartment by myself and crying.We are social animals.I would talk to anybody who passed by.Perhaps there is something wrong with me because I want to be with other human beings and share this experience of life.

To be divorced,and to stand alone,after thinking that there was nobody to share this existence with,truly leaves one feeling isolated and alone in the midst of the Mega-culture which surrounds one.But there is always hope.Get dressed.Get a smile on your face,and go out there and keep looking for the one you were meant to be with!

I found her!When I least expected her,she walked into my world!

And everything that happened before was the way that I found myself in front of her eyes.And we are happier than we have ever been before with anyone we have ever known.It is the happy ending to a long story!

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