by E. Kerns

Created on: May 15, 2008

It comes and goes, that feeling that wells from deep within. I never noticed it, much less understood it until I was on my own. Seven years of loneliness and I just now learned what it was. Standing right next to someone and feeling all alone. A heartbeat away from love, but feeling emptiness instead.

What I thought was normal, turns out to be sad. Feelings of being alone in a crowd, true feelings hidden under all the laughter. It takes the final descent into depression to realize all those years spent pushing people away, alienating myself from friends and family alike was me keeping myself safe. Did I succeed? Yes, in a sense. I'm stronger and wiser, but happier? No. Will I ever be happy again? Possibly. Like when I find something I enjoy and I don't have to share it with anyone else, but then that little voice inside reminds me of the laughter I enjoyed, the smiles and happiness from another time, a time that feels as distant as another lifetime. Maybe it was another lifetime. Maybe I'm only dreaming and when I wake up my heart will be whole and I'll be happy... my mind knows better. True happiness and love are only a dream after all, but to share them is what makes it special.

Where do I go from here? Should I try again? Should I risk it? After all, seven years was long enough to close myself off from the people around me, it shouldn't be too difficult to continue the charade, right? Even heartless people need attention every now and then. Except I'm not heartless... not like everyone thinks I am.

After your heart is broken often enough, you begin to hide the broken pieces, learning quickly, to cover them over gently with layers of humor and sarcasm. It doesn't earn you any long term friends, but it keeps those pieces safely hidden from the light of day, portraying yourself as aloof and distant, but safe... lonely, but safe. Sometimes I glance in the mirror and realize I'm fading, fading into a ghost of the person I used to be, and still I keep running. I hide and I run, and I believe with all the pieces of my heart that one day I can put it back together and everything will be good again, but how do you piece together something that lost some pieces along the way?

I think I'd much rather feel love... feel the warmth of being loved... but the heartless safety is familiar, it beckons to me with open arms, enveloping me in the usual security of being alone... being lonely... loneliness personified.

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