by David Gwinn

Created on: May 15, 2008

I can picture it now: an H.A. meeting in a rented football stadium. What is H.A. you ask? Why, Halitosis Anonymous! What else could it be? But I digress.

Out of the thirty-five chairs scattered over a forty yard span, nine are occupied. No two people sit within six yards of one another. Most have just arrived fresh from an all-you-can-eat pasta bar; none carry gum or mints of any kind. Each truly believes he has no need for either. (By the way, I didn't forget about women. Get real, they either don't have this problem or won't admit they do, not even to themselves.)

The leader of the group rises from his chair, opens his mouth (emitting a noxious cloud of the foulest smelling stink this side of death) and says, "Hi. My name is Walter and I have worse breath than you."

The problem is, he means it and is proud of it.

Luckily for us this is only a dramatization. But maybe it shouldn't be. Without being rude I'd like to say that some people out there should put a warning label over their mouths. Talking to those with halitosis ought to warrant hazardous duty pay. Ever gotten dizzy from the nostril-burning odor we call bad breath? The putrid, sewer-like smell wafting from "the mouths of hal" will render you unconscious in a heartbeat.

Maybe H.A. isn't such a bad idea. We could always make sure to have a medical staff on hand to revive the attendees from their stench induced comas. Of course, finding volunteers for this would take a very long time. Adequate ventilation would also be necessary.

Needless to point out, the meeting room would have to be a large, open space with plenty of windows and a commercial sized air conditioning unit. We wouldn't want that room to get warm now, would we. One more thing: pest control. Mice and other vermin may be attracted due to the rodent inviting aromas emanating from the participant at these meetings.

Maybe I'm exaggerating. Quite possibly, all that needs doing is educating the public. Simple things like brushing your teeth with something other than pond water. Or maybe the importance of changing your toothbrush every other month instead of annually would help. Maybe these people don't understand the concept of one person per toothbrush.

What about flossing? That would definitely help in the cause. Of course, they would need to be reminded that each piece of floss can only be used once. No passing the floss from one to the next might need to be explained as well. Actual dental floss works best, used fishing string doesn't quite do a good enough job here.

Mouthwash has its place in the mix, too. By teaching these aromatic miscreants to actually fill their mouths with real mouthwash and swishing it around for half a minute (at least); they can be taught the error of their ways. Once again, pond water should be avoided here; that would be defeating the purpose.

Should we give it a whirl? Do you think it will help? I'm willing to give it a shot if you are! What have you got to lose but most of your nose hairs?

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