The ramblings of an elderly moggy.
I was born into a busy household. There were four in my litter and many more cats and dogs in the house. The cats were in charge, of course. However, when the food was put down you had to be sure to get in quick. Those dogs were fast eaters and they didn't always care whether food was for them or kittens. Now I know some might not imagine it, with all those dogs, but those days of my early kittenhood were happy. We were all one happy family.
One day, when I was a few months old, one of my sisters sneaked under the gate and got out. She hadn't got far when two humans, who were walking along, spotted her, picked her up and brought her back. Well she'd followed the first rule of kitten-hood, and made them fall in love with her. As it happened our mother human was away that day, so they gave my sister to her son. He said if these humans wanted to become my sister's pet humans, they'd had to come back the next day. Well I listened to this, and I knew what I had to do. You have to understand it is every kitten for himself, in this situation.
The next day when they came back I was ready. I charged at them and tumbled over their feet, pretending it was an accident and all. I know it's a cheap trick, but it worked. Humans often fall for the cheapest of tricks. I'd put on my cutest look, and before they knew it they were more in love with me, than my sister. Of course they asked to be my humans. I had them where I wanted them. I knew I was going to have the arduous task of training them to serve my every need, but I had done the most important thing any kitten can do. I'd found myself some tame humans to serve me.
This was the start of my great adventure. Young cats, reading this, should take note of what I say. They might learn a thing or two about managing humans. It is a skill. I might say it is one that I am a master at. I didn't get the title of G.O.M (Grand Old Moggy) without considerable work.
Cats must be willing to put a serious paw to their careers, to achieve what I have. The kitten makes the cat, and as we all know, this is a cat's world.
When my humans took me to my new home, I was delighted but also a little sad. Humans, who some argue do have feelings, don't appreciate the mixed feeling of a kitten being taken from his place of birth. Yes, I was excited to be out in the wide world, but the truth is I missed my family. I even missed the dogs. It is true that I no longer had to compete for food and that my outdoor space was much bigger; but if humans understood how we cats felt they'd be kinder to us. They see a kitten sitting looking sweet, and do they ask if it is silently weeping? I think not. All they see is a fluffy little bundle.
Anyway, that's talk enough of tragedy. I had a new world to explore. However, those humans weren't entirely kind. One of them declared:
"He's got fleas!"
I looked round to see if there was a dog. I mean who's ever heard of a cat having fleas? I was dunked in a bucket of water and soapy stuff, pulled out, dried off, covered in power and combed all over. Well I didn't mind the combing, but was there a need for all that fuss? Humans have no concept of feline dignity. My new humans said they wanted me, but not the little fellows I'd brought with me. To be fair I itched less after they were done with me, but those fleas came from a dog, not me!
Humans are sometimes confused about how often to feed cats. The muddle arises from the odd idea that they think, that they should decide on this. Let me clarify this point. Kittens and cats should be fed on demand! Sadly some humans have strange ideas about only feeding cats at certain times, and not giving them cream. My advice is you must train your humans properly. You have many good tools for doing this. I'll list a few of them:
1) Meowing - if you do it for long enough they start to feel guilty and feed you.
2) Looking pitiful. - Humans often fall for this one. They think something is wrong and feed you.
3) Affection - Rub around their legs, pretend you adore them. Humans are complete suckers for meaningless declarations of undying love.
4) When all else fails take direct action.- If at all possible, get into the cupboard and manage the food situation yourself.
These were some of the tactics I learned as a kitten. You young ones could do worse than follow my advice.
The next priory was to establish my sleeping right. Humans can be just as funny about this, as they are about providing food. They sometimes have strange ideas, such as, like beds should not used by cats. My advice is to dive in there as often as you can. A comfortable bed is worth fighting for.
They don't always understand our need for variety. I say we should seize the day, or the best opportunity. If a human has a nice overcoat; and just as they are about to hang it up, that ringing thing they talk into goes off; and they start talking into it, dropping the coat on a chair; it is always good manners to sit on the coat for them. After all it is probably valuable and someone might steal it. You are protecting it for them. You'll, also, probably find it exceedingly cosy. The odd thing is that humans don't always appreciate your kindness, but you'll know you've done your feline duty.
Well I can smell something fishy. I'd better go and check it out. It probably needs eating. You kittens think about what I've been saying. Success as a cat takes work.