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In my opinion, there is only one possible way to survive a zombie apocalypse. But then again, I imagine it depends on your definition of "survival". We have all been subjected to terrifying images from a varied array of movies that cater to our obsession with being stalked by an army of the undead. What is it that so fascinates us with being the last survivor in a world inhabited by ravenous zombies? And what is so attractive about surviving in such a world at any rate?

I say if you can't beat em, join em. That tired cliche is perhaps more appropriate in this scenario than in any other. That's why if the world is ever subjected to some deadly mutant virus which transforms its victims into something out of the music video "Thriller"; I will be the first to volunteer to be bitten. I picture myself sticking my arm out of the boarded up window, then retracting it after receiving a tiny nip.

In this fashion I could probably be able to hide my degenerating condition from those whom I am sequestered with until it's too late for them to defend themselves. That was always my favorite part anyway.

There are some aspects about being a zombie that I've always been curious about though. For instance, why is it that they only want to eat non-affected humans? I've got to tell you, if I see some succulent looking hot zombie babe banging on the door beside me, I'm chowing down right there.

That brings up another question. Do zombies have sex? I imagine the answer is yes, that is until organs start falling off. And what does it mean if zombies can't have sex? Does that mean there won't be any little zombie toddlers running around underfoot? This is sounding better all the time.

Another thing I've always wondered about is why all the zombies wear such raggedy clothes. I mean think about it. Here you are in a world where all the department stores have been abandoned, and the last thing any remaining security guard or sales clerk wants to do is challenge you about shoplifting. You won't even have to sneak it out of the dressing room under your rags.

Why not just stroll into Brooks Brothers and get that four thousand dollar suit you've always had your eye on? Or for you potential women zombies; forget about Mervyn's, we're talking Macy's at the very least.

For that matter, why do zombies always have to walk everywhere they go with that annoying foot dragging motion? I'm thinking Ferrari. Yeah, I can imagine it now as I jump into the Enzo and feel those 12 cylinders humming while I navigate through the shambling hordes on my way to dinner at the Jones'. Hey, you wouldn't even have to pay for gasoline anymore.

So take my word for it. Being a zombie wouldn't be as bad as it's cracked up to be. As far as "surviving" is concerned, it would be a definite step up on the food chain, if you get my drift. Nice clothes, fancy car, plenty to eat; I can hardly wait.

Learn more about this author, David Elder.
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