by Terri Combs-Orme Ph.D.

Created on: May 15, 2008

Should gay couples be allowed to adopt?

I could respond to this question with several other questions: Should tall couples be allowed to adopt? Should people with allergies be allowed to adopt? Should stamp collectors be allowed to adopt?

Right now, over 120,000 foster children are waiting for permanent homes and families. They are victims of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and severe neglect. They have special needs associated with physical and mental disabilities. Most important, they suffer from the lack of unconditional love that all children need to thrive and prosper. These children are unconcerned about their potential parents' sexual orientation, political party, or music preferences.

Being a loving, nurturing parent is unconnected to one's sexual orientation. Good parenting grows out of the ability to love a child selflessly, unconditionally, and over time. Research shows no inherent differences in parenting associated with sexual orientation and that children reared by gay and lesbian parents suffer no damage due to that fact. However, the research also demonstrates clearly that children who grow up without the love and care of parents are more likely to suffer from mental and emotional problems, achieve less at school and in the work world, and are likely to have difficulty forming intimate relationships. Their own parenting often reflects their disadvantaged backgrounds.

So how should we decide who is allowed to adopt? We should look at their backgrounds, listen to their family stories, and examine their potential to be there for children who need them. We should find out why they want to adopt; is it to fulfill their own needs or because they want to meet the needs of children who have no parents? Can they support those children, financially and emotionally? Do they empathize with children and understand enough about child development to provide positive discipline and guidance? If they are in a partnership relationship, it is stable and loving? Does that relationship provide a safe haven and an example of how committed adults love one another?

Any hesitation I would have, as a social worker, regarding the suitability of gays and lesbians to be parents would grow out of recognition of the prejudice and discrimination homosexuals experience in our culture. It does take a village to raise a child, and gays and lesbians experience frequent exclusion, hostility, and lack of support in their efforts to be good parents. If their parenting is incompetent or inappropriate, society can carry some of the blame for providing a hostile environment in which they must live.

Perhaps we should poll the half a million children in foster care in the United States about how they feel about this issue and pay particular attention to the feelings of children who are available for adoption and right now do not know where they will be sleeping next year.

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