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None of my short stories has ever been published. Some publishers, four-hundred and twenty-two to be exact, don't recognize genius when they see it. There are millions of lesser-skilled writers who are perhaps jealous of my amazing short story writing success. Today, I present them with a gift, the gift of knowledge.

Remember these tips to avoid pitfalls and mistakes in writing short stories:

PREWRITING IS FOR LOSERS

My friend Bobby thinks he's all that because he creates elaborate story maps before writing. He mentioned something about making sure characters remain consistent and something about having a setting or some garbage like that. He also made something up about developing the action in the story around a central theme or idea. I laughed at him.

I think that made him angry because he brought up my twelve short stories whose characters' names changed halfway through. I told Steve he was just jealous. David then told me he was the one with the two best-selling novels and several published short stories. I scoffed at his insinuation. All you silly short story writers that try to avoid characters' names changing, inconsistent settings, no real theme or central idea, and completely unbelievable plot lines with your little prewriting bull crap can all go to heck. My motto is "Just Write Baby!"

ORGANIZING IS FOR IDIOTS

That guy Joseph I was telling you about earlier, he recommended I use graphic organizers to plan my writing. When you're as brilliant as I, you don't need to organize. He showed me this plot diagram thing with exposition (whatever that means), rising action (my fist'll rise and hit him in the face if he keeps talking his mumbo jumbo), climax (pervert!), falling action (and I can't get up), and denouement (what are we, French?).

Frank also mentioned something about developing my plot around a conflict. The only conflict I was going to develop was the one between me and him. He also mentioned something about having a protaga-something and an antaganagolisp. I almost bopped him when he mentioned dynamic and static characters. Static characters? What kind of idiot is going to have a character that walks around with his hair standing on end all the time that shocks people? Actually, that's a good idea. Anyway, my response to that idiot, Tony, was "Just Write Baby!"

REVISING IS FOR AMATEURS

After Jody told me about this conflict thing, she brings up this whole edit, revise, and proofread crap. Enraged, I finally screamed, "Don't you understand you're talking to a genius! I have read Romeo and Juliet and know hundreds of Greek and Latin Roots Obviously awed by my proclamation, she stared blankly and muttered something inaudible having to do with certain anatomical areas. I continued, "Geniuses need not proofread! It is perfect the first time!" It just baffles me how out of touch some people are.

As if Barbara's idiocy wasn't enough, she mentioned that having someone else read your short story can clear up any inconsistencies or lack of clarity. I finally told the alien from the planet Gargon to leave the premises immediately. Like a genius needs someone else to proofread his work? People from the planet Zarmelot are so stupid. As a parting shot to the space alien, I shouted, "Just Write Baby!"

ASSUME YOU'RE A GENIUS

If you want to be as successful as I am at getting short stories published, avoid the following pitfalls: (1) Prewriting, geniuses have no need to plan or organize; (2) Organizing, geniuses have no need for character sketches, plot maps, cause and effect charts, or conflict/resolution diagrams. (3) Revising, geniuses have no need to redo what's already been done. Even if there is a mistake, it came from the subconscious mind of a genius and should remain.

By the way, you wouldn't by chance know of anyone looking to publish a short story about the life of Mongolian Water Rabbits, would you? It's about a group of rabbits living in Rhodesia that can only divide by eight, but travel in packs of nine. It leads to quite a bit of chaos, especially when they divvy up their food. It's the ninth rabbit that always gets left out and either starves to death or forms a new group of nine with other discarded rabbits. Let me know if you hear anything. I'd really like to get published some day. In the meantime, "Just Write Baby!"

Learn more about this author, Trent Lorcher.
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