by Mari-Anne Bonventi

Created on: May 14, 2008

Depression 101

I read articles and books about people who have experienced depression and I can still remember how it was for me...that sinking black hole that was swallowing me up. The albatross around my neck dragging me down and drowning the real me. But it is not all bleak. Here I am years later and whilst not back to my usual self, a much stronger and more peaceful version of that same self.

When my doctor told me I was depressed I clearly thought he had lost it, sure I was down and couldn't remember when I last did something I truly felt passionate about. I no longer engaged people, I hid in my house, I weighed 10 kilos less than I had for years, people thought I was either anorexic or had another type of illness, I loathe speaking to others in fear they would ask me how I was. I slept for days and then couldn't sleep at all and I had a longing for who knows what...a strange consuming feeling of drowning whilst being on dry land.

I had lost my compass, I became so self absorbed in my grief and despair that I no longer resembled myself. I cut myself off from everyone and everything that had brought me joy and I couldn't see that I had sunk so low. Yes, my doctor recommended exercise and yes, it was the last thing I felt like. He told be to get busy, if I didn't have much money to get going on some project in my house, like cleaning, a garage sale or revamping the garden. I really did not believe him, I thought he was torturing me more, but you know what? He was right, and how right he was. 1997 was the worst year I have ever had, maybe not catastrophic by some standards, but by losing my best friend in a car accident, my marriage ending, my grandmother dying and being retrenched from my job within 5 months it ranked as a doozy for me.

But I did what my wise old' doctor suggested and slowly I started to exercise, even though I would rather pull out my own toenails than run anywhere, I started to declutter my house (it wasn't a huge job)it made me feel Little more lighter and in control and then I started painting - 2.3 meter ceilings and all and I kept going, before long I had a gorgeous garden, newly painted house, closets to die- for and a clean slate. No, it wasn't a miracle cure, and I work to ensure that I never get that down again.....I am not eternally cheery in a Mary Poppins way, but I am thankful for those dark days because they remind me of how I couldn't see the wood for the trees and how closed my mind, my ears and my eyes were to my health and wellbeing. If you are out there and you feel down, your life is not going the way you planned, of if you and in a situation that seems to you to be hopeless, pick up the phone and call someone who you will listen to and get help and support. I found when I was depressed I seemed to think no one would listen to me, when what I should have been doing is listening to others.

I am now a relaxed, thankful and generally happy person, with everything to live for, sure I do not have my best friend, my marriage, my grandmother or my old job, but I have much to be thankful for and my life is not the same that's for sure, but it's still pretty great!

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