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In my last article on acceptance, I discussed my opinions on the subject of the gay community being accepted by the rest of society. For this one, I'd like to examine the issue of acceptance from another angle. Most people assume that the acceptance of others is the greatest challenge that gay individuals face in coming to terms with their orientation. Often, however, this is not the case.

While gaining the acceptance of others is definitely a challenge, for most of us, it is the issue of self-acceptance that poses the greatest difficulty during the coming out process. For many gay people, the inner conflict which arises from the realization that one is homosexual can be overwhelming. Trying to find peace with a gay identity in one's own Spirit is, in my opinion, far more difficult than dealing with the prejudice of others...or at least it was for me.

My coming out experience began when I was thirty-one. I will never forget the first time that I finally acknowledged to myself that I was gay. The sheer terror of that moment was completely paralyzing. Having grown up in an entirely straight environment, I had never associated with gay people on a regular basis. Of course, I knew a few gay acquaintances whom I had met only a time or two, but there were none that I had maintained a close friendship with. The straight world and their school of thought were all that I had ever known.

Because of this, I had inadvertently picked up many of the negative misconceptions held by straight society, and I was terrified that being gay would completely ruin my life. I had grown up all my life hearing that most people thought that being gay was disgusting and sinful, and gay people were abnormal and defective. I feared that people I had known for years would suddenly hate me; they would see me as a pervert. I feared that when everyone learned the truth about me, I wouldn't have a single friend left in the world.

I knew that my personality, my morals and values hadn't changed; I was the same person that I had always been...at least, in every way but one. Yet I somehow felt different; I certainly knew that some would view me differently. I felt as if my entire identity had just shattered, because the person that I THOUGHT I was had now changed radically because of this single revelation. I was completely unprepared to deal with this new part of me that had come to the surface; it scared me to death. I was also extremely shocked to realize that I had spent years in denial. I realized

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