by Nayibis Pacheco

Created on: May 13, 2008

What was I looking for? Exactly where did I want my life to go?

I grew up in a strict home where rules and guidelines seemed to replace love and kindness. I could complain and whine, but that would prove that I had accepted and reacted to situations like a child would. I felt like decisions were made for me and I was expected to be the dream daughter as I was raised to be. It was mistakes later that changed my life, that I realized why fences where placed between traffic roads and you house, to keep your pets from being run-over, or why gates covered the pool entrances, to avoid endangering your child's life. Was it not for your safety? To guard what you loved dearly? I couldn't understand that quite yet.

I felt limited, like my air supply was running out and I was getting desperate. I lived at home, surrendered to all my rules and limitations. I was in a way an unhappy teen who wanted to roam wild and free. Perhaps situations led to that feeling. I was like soap and my parents were squeezing me so hard that sooner or later I would slip out. I was raised with very strict morals. Dating, dressing inappropriately, swearing, was out of the question.

I did what was natural to any teenager at the time. I was rebellious. I found what was dangerous and forbidden attractive, and I sought to find that. I realized that when you look for the wrong things you find them all too quickly. I met a guy who was all too different for me. Yeah he wasn't as polite or respected as I was but it was a thrill. I was drinking beer like water and smoking was a regular habit by now. I left my home and was rejected from my ever so loving religion. I didn't do anything illegal or wrong. Perhaps wrong to my own standards. I was losing the essence of who I was, and it terrified me who I was becoming.

I felt so lost I prayed secretly, even when I had refused God, to give me something that could change my life. I was even more miserable and desperate than I was under my parents loving care. A fish without water. I began to feel sick from all of this, my stomach was upset in the mornings and I had developed this feeling of disgust with most of everything I was about to eat. To find peace I lit a cigarette, and as I brought it to my lips a deep feeling of regret and disgust came over me and I threw up. Almost like an instinct I threw away the whole pack of cigarettes. I bought a pregnancy test. The results were positive. A doctor later confirmed it.

I'm almost 4 months pregnant now, but this child, that very day I threw away those cigarettes changed my life. I stopped smoking, I stopped drinking, I even switched to eating healthy choices and drinking vitamins. I am alone with this baby. Just like I chose the wrong guy, which I realized after he disappeared upon learning the news of my pregnancy, I realized that the only thing my parents where doing is trying to avoid this mistake. Trying to save me from the heartache and pain I felt pregnant and alone away from home. I knew I had to better my life. Make amends to the people that loved me. Yes it took tragedy for me to realize my foolishness, and a baby to change my life.

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