by Barbara A. Black

Created on: May 12, 2008

After twenty-eight and a half years of marriage, I moved out and filed for divorce. It was something that I had never considered, when I had married, because I thought he was the one God had chosen for me. Maybe he was, when we married, but I learned quickly that he wasn't the man I had thought he was, and that there were things that we would never be able to agree about. However, I chose to ignore those "little things" and continue with the marriage, and was happy to do so, for the most part. It was only after several years and three children (all adults by that time) that I found that I could no longer live with him.

When I left and filed for divorce, I was prepared to face his anger and retribution. However, I was not prepared to be accused of some of the things he spread about me, to people he worked with and who had known both of us most of our married life. Some of them took his side and would have nothing to do with me after that; others remained my friends and even told me some of the things he had said. Either way, I knew that we could never be friends again, and I really didn't want to be. I did, however, want to keep a good relationship with all our children; two of them still are friendly with me (and my second husband). The other still speaks to me when we meet, but doesn't really "go out of her way" to speak to me or contact me unless it is necessary.

The real surprise for me was that his mother, who had welcomed me into her family and her heart from the very beginning, remained loving and friendly toward me. She never asked me for any explanation or anything other than my love and friendship, which I gladly gave.

Interesting to me, at least, my youngest daughter, who had four children by her first husband before finally divorcing him (after he moved out and headed back to his mom's house in California), has had the same type of experience with his mother. She not only welcomed my daughter into her family, but still keeps in touch with her (and her new family)! She rarely hears from her son, and neither does my daughter, unless he wants something from her. He does, however, sometimes call and talk to the children, although not on a regular basis or any other type of understandable schedule. It seems that he only calls when he decides to remind her that he still claims them as his own, and that they do not belong to her present husband. (Incidentally, her present husband did at least as much for them before they were married than her ex did for them in all the years they were married!) And he continues to do things for them and with them; things that their birth father never did do.

So divorce is not always all bad. Both of our experiences (and those of many others I have known through the years) have proved that sometimes, divorce is the best answer for a bad situation. If we could see into the future, we might be able to avoid the necessity of divorce by waiting for the "perfect mate" to finally show up on our horizon! However, we cannot do so, and just think how long many of us might have to wait to find that "perfect mate"! And, of course, divorce is not always the best answer, but for many, it is not only the BEST answer, but sometimes becomes the ONLY answer! For others, divorce is not an answer at all, because they will not ever entertain the idea. My best wishes are with them-and my sympathies, because they may be doomed to live unhappily forever after!

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