Americans like to beat their chests and brag that the United States is the leader of the free world. Personally, I don't think anything about the statement is true. No society is truly free and compulsory taxation, or, as I prefer to call it, legalized theft, is just one example of how the United States would have to be exempted from any potential group of ideally free societies. However, I could easily be convinced that the United States is the leader of the dysfunctional world. American families love to battle internally. Family dysfunction is so popular, television has used it to titillate American audiences for years.

Anyone remember who shot J.R.? It was virtually a given that it was an immediate family member, but he was horribly hated by so many, including multiple relatives. Come on, admit it, you were certain Sue Ellen filled her adorable husband with hot lead. You were close. Actually, it was Sue Ellen's sister, but a family member nonetheless.

I must admit, my only childhood dream was to divest myself of my custodial parent, as soon as society deemed it legally appropriate. To paraphrase Muhammad Ali, "We always got it on, because we didn't get along." I have other family members that have had their, oh, shall we say, disagreements, over the years. In reality, there is a humorous element to it. After substantial periods of time, angry relatives can forget what issue the anger is rooted in. The issue isn't important anyway. Hanging on to the anger is what is most critical.

In my family's pecking order, I had the not so good fortune to serve as the caboose. However, my therapist has told me I'm making good progress. Just kidding. Dysfunctional family members don't do therapy. The last thing they want is to treat and eliminate the dysfunction.

I suppose there are a number of ways to avoid the bulldozing referenced in this essay's title. I only know of one, but it worked like a charm for me.

At age 18, I left home and put some big time mileage between my immediate relatives and me. From Indiana, I moved initially to Florida, a distance of approximately 1,000 miles. Not entirely certain that 1,000 miles would create a completely secure and dependable buffer zone, I moved to Arizona six months later. The distance between my family and me increased to 1,800 miles.

I felt much safer. Was it overkill? Absolutely! Dysfunctional family members won't even drive across town to terrorize a relative they despise.

You can't begin to comprehend the amount of personal satisfaction I took in knowing I'd achieved my childhood dream, while still a teenager? Recalling it now, after nearly forty years, still makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

It has often been said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. In the case of the dysfunctional, absence makes the heart grow relieved.

Therefore, if your self-preservational efforts have failed, in an attempt to escape the D-9's in your family, I would suggest moving some serious amounts of highway pavement underneath your gluteus maximus. No dysfunctional family member would drive for days just to victimize a dear loved one that is genuinely despised?

Remember, out of sight is out of mind. As home decor diva Martha Stewart would say, "It's a good thing."

Learn more about this author, Tim Gray.
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