by Kathleen Richardson

Created on: May 10, 2008   Last Updated: April 10, 2011

We don’t always picture confrontation as a positive experience.  In rehearsing anticipated conversations over differences of opinion, we tend to fabricate stories in our heads of how we expect people to react to what we say to them.  Those stories are sprinkled with strong emotions that are ultimately geared to protect us and our point of view.

Writers of fiction are said to base their stories on actual events in their lives. They take the truth and turn it into an altered version of that truth. In other words, they create a lie. In coming up with stories based on what we imagine will happen when we come face to face with confrontation, we too may tell a lie. 

Those imaginings - those lies - are often so extreme that our emotions run rampant and by the time we’re actually face to face with the other person and before we utter a word, we and they have lost any chance for understanding or fair settlement. 

By the time the actual encounter occurs, we’re no longer listening, except to ourselves and our inner assertions. In fact, we may not even be listening to ourselves by then. Emotions will have taken over. Common sense won’t stand a chance and neither will the other guy. 

Plan for the positive

Emotions have a place in our lives, as do stories. Emotions, however, need to get into their proper places in line rather than rambling through every aspect of a situation. They’ll serve us better in the midst of a confrontation if we control them and fit them into the order of things.  Then carefully proceed in the following manner to produce an experience that is positive and beneficial to all those involved.

Just the facts, ma’am 

Document what you know personally. In some cases, you might want to get others’ supportive facts in writing, with the signature of the person who wrote them, as a backup to your facts. This is the time to think newspaper reporting: Who? What? When? Where? How? 

Don’t make a stew of it 

If a situation appears to be overwhelming because of the number of parts to the issue, choose one part to deal with first. The other pieces can be approached, individually, in the future. 

Just for today 

Time tends to cloud issues and makes space for emotions to move in and take over. There is no useful reason for a declaration that begins: “You always... “ Focus belongs on the current situation alone. 

I before E 

Except, in this type of situation, it’s I before U. Instead of launching into a litany of blame simply state and, if necessary re-state, your perception of the situation and its impact on you.

Ask permission 

Once you’re prepared for the approach, tell the other person that you have an important matter you would like to discuss with him or her. State that it might take a few minutes and ask if he or she would be willing to take the time now or later and discuss it with you. 

Sticking with the facts and not attempting to fabricate a scenario is much more effective when dealing with a challenging situation. Leave the storytelling to fiction writers. That way the reality of what happens will turn out to be more satisfying than any lie you tell yourself and you’ll realize that, yes, confrontation can be a positive experience.

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

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