I could have told you back then. I could have reached out, and whispered it into you ear. You would have held me tight and whispered eternal love and happiness back to me. Happiness for me.
But what about you? It is strange, the way the universe works. That one soul could be entirely devoted to another, drawn to it by a force so strong that there is no way to deny what you are feeling, nothing else to feel. It seems wrong and cruel that the soul that you belong to, does not belong to you.

That is what I realized that one night. That night when you sang to me. The song from your past. But it was then that I could see that it was very much you present. It was a part of you. You could never let it go to make space for me. It was in your eyes when you looked at me, sitting next to me singing. Your strong hands gliding over the chords of your cherished guitar. Your eyes spoke to me then. Saying that this song does not belong to you. It would never belong to you.
It has and always will belong to her. How I wish that I could erase her from your memory. Swipe away the pained longing in your eyes.
But I cant. I never could. I never could love you like her. I think you know that I have always loved you with my whole being. I have loved every single thing about you, cherished every memory, stored every word, but I could never love you like her.

It is a selfish act. Love. It makes you want to take every scrap of what the other person has to give, and bury it within yourself. It pained me to let you go. It took all that I had to give you up to her.
I could see the shock on your face when you stopped playing her song and I asked you "Who is she?". How you could think that I would not immediately know makes me smile. For don't you know that I know every inch of your soul, every line on your face, every glint in your eyes.
It was selfish of me to keep you for so long. But I cant help it. It is the universe that drew me to you. I am powerless to stop it. It is my curse that I belong to someone who does not belong to me.

My life would never be complete, for you complete me, but I do not complete you. Is it the cruelty of nature, or was it just me that could not love you right, and then you had to be given away to someone else. Then it is my failure that left me miserable and alone.
For I will always be alone. Lovers come and go, but I don't belong to them. I belong to you.

Some part deep within me hopes that she does not belong to you, that she belongs to someone else. But when I remembered that pained look in your eyes as you sang me her song, I hope to my own disappointment that you've found each other. I hope that she would put the light in your eyes, and that there would never be moments when it would burn out, like there was with me. I hope that she would put the laughter in your voice, and that there would never be sounds of sadness, like there was with me.

Most of all I hope that sometimes, just sometimes, you would remember me, and remember that I belong to you. And that you would remember that I tried. I tried to love you, as you needed to be loved. I failed.

Learn more about this author, Yolandi Booyens.
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