by Jon Coe

Created on: May 09, 2008

I was in, or at, a Wal*Mart store the other week, when a strange lady rode a broom through the store, like one of those hobby horses. She had a cowboy hat on and a sheriff's badge. She was singing the Wizard of Oz theme tune and slapping her right thigh at the same time. This is a true story by the way, I couldn't make this one up.

Anyway, within minutes three very large policemen arrived, accompanied by a very small police woman. I should have said four policemen, because it would have been more politically correct, but with less character. However, they wouldn't have all been large.

Needless to say, the four policemen hauled the strange lady away. Later, I saw her cowboy hat sitting on top of a pallet of pistachio nuts near the frozen pizza aisle. I wondered which bag she had sampled?

I have often stood at the entrance of a Wal*Mart Super Store waiting for transportation to arrive. I've even asked the person that stands at the entrance and greets. "Excuse me." I'd say. "Do you know when the next non stop to the garden department will be here?" But they just stand there with that same smile, like the one on the sticker they give you when you're leaving.

I have often been tempted to buy myself one of those pedometers. They sell them somewhere near the exercise equipment. Trouble is, by the time I would get it over to the cash register, I'd want to trade it in for a new one.

I like to go bird watching in Wal*Mart. There are sometimes some rare species nesting in the iron girders twenty feet up. I thought I saw an osprey the other day, but it turned out to be a blimp that had gone astray.

I went to my doctor the other day for my annual check up. He asked me if I exercised regularly. I explained that I shop at Wal*Mart and he immediately grinned and changed the subject.

It is funny how the fast food restaurants at Wal*Mart are so close to the bathrooms. When ever I get constipated, I simply eat a cheese burger with fries. I don't have very far to run, hopefully there's no waiting.

Whenever I go to Wal*Mart, I pack a lunch and take the family. There's so many things to do there, especially as it takes all day to get from the vacuum aisle to the pharmacy. Sometimes I have to back track to the kitty litter aisle because I forgot fluffy's friskies and by the time I find my wife and children, it is time for dinner. Thank god for the kite string that I tied to my leg, or we'd still be there.

One time, I saw a bunch of Wal*Mart employees chasing a mouse around in circles. It

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>