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Many of you are what pundits and general ponces refer to as "technological imbeciles", due not only to your complete lack of computer savvy, but also your fear, or possible refusal, to peruse through the latest edition of "SAP R/3 Administration for Dummies". Don't fret, though, there is another way. You don't need to shell out the millions to get your computer fixed anymore, nor do you need to spend the time to actually learn anything about anything ever. All you need to do is chummy-up with the office computer geek any time you want to use them for their brains.

"But Andy," you're no doubtedly beginning to whine, "how will I know the office computer geek when I see him?" that's a valid question, and rather than shamelessly plugging my "Guide To American Geek Spotting: From Dorks to Nerds" (now available on Amazon.com and at fine booksellers nationwide) I'll simply give you the basics and leave you to your own devices.

The first step is finding the office geek. And to do this, you must know how to attract and lure the geek into an area where you can corner him and blindside him with questions about wireless LAN configurations. Just as you would lay a trail of breadcrumbs to lure a bird , or a trail of rose petals to lure the milkman, laying down a trail of RAM or blank DVDs will instantaneously lead the sought after geek right into your clutches.

The second step, and probably the most important, is to confirm that what you've led to your cubicle is, in fact, a geek, and not just something attracted to rewritable media, like a magpie. So I have included this brief pocket guide to differentiating between a computer geek and a magpie:

European Magpie
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Aves
Order: Passeriformes
Family: Corvidae

Computer Geek:
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Order: Primates
Family: Hominidae
Genus: Homo
Species: H. sapiens
Subspecies: H. s. sapiens

Once you have determined that you do, in fact, have a geek in your immediate vicinity, do not panic. Outside of the virtual world, the geek is virtually harmless. Do not immediately bring up your problem and ask him to fix it. Geeks are a skittish folk and do not react well to confrontation or questions. Your best bet is to mutter under your breath about how much you hate your computer and how no one has yet fixed your problem. The geek will respond to the challenge and immediately set to work.

There you have it, the easiest and most effective way to trap a geek, identify him, tag him, and release him into the wild. Hopefully, with the proper downsizing restrictions and a constant supply of new Windows builds, the office computer geek will remain a mainstay of our business ecosystem.

Learn more about this author, Andy Paulo.
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