by Sara Willis

Created on: May 08, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

When my husband and I fell unexpectantly pregnant with our 3rd child, just 8 months after our son Alexander was born, we were horrified. Like my first, it had been a traumatic birth in which I had haemorrhaged to the point that I had needed surgery to stop the bleeding. I had ongoing problems, which had left me exhausted and suffering severe postnatal depression. In addition, my son suffered horrendous colic. Although things were getting better- we had stayed a week at Tresillian and Alex had been diagnosed with severe dairy and soy allergy, I was only coping reassured by the knowledge that I would never have to go through it again. I was literally traumatised by the birth and even the thought of it brought back feelings of panic.

My doctor's advice, with my history of difficult pregnancies and births and my ongoing health problems- I suffer from an autoimmune disorder called fibromyalgia and a crippling bladder condition- was that I should terminate. After Alexander's birth I had been told not to fall pregnant again. While the thought of this birth was petrifying and I really did not think I was well enough to look after another baby, abortion was not an option that I would consider.

It was therefore primarily relief when at 8 weeks pregnant I began to bleed. I truly believed that it was "not meant to be," and while a part of me was sad it seemed as though it was out of my hands. After a few days of bleeding I went to the doctor for an ultrasound to check whether I had miscarried completely. It was at this point I was told that not only had I not miscarried, the baby's heartbeat was strong and although I was bleeding, everything looked completely normal. I really had no idea how to cope with this news. I had come to terms with the pregnancy ending by reassuring myself that the pregnancy was likely a "blighted ovum," where nothing had formed in the first place. To know that there was now a baby with a heart beat that I could still potentially lose was a tidal wave of conflicting emotion. A small part of me was so relieved that there was a heartbeat, but there was still the very real likely hood that this baby would die. I was in limbo- I honestly did not know how to feel.

My doctor again told me that my only option was to terminate. I would surely miscarry anyway and with my history of post partum haemorrhage, I was better to terminate in a controlled environment. While I understood his logic, I felt I had to give both the baby and I a chance to get through this.

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