by Sherene Tan

Created on: May 07, 2008

Whenever one ask me if I had a happy childhood, I would say "Yes". However, I do not have good memories about it. My childhood days can be explained by the following words: An absent parent, a depressed child and a loser.

Yes, I think of myself as pretty much a loser when I was young. I lost in every single game. Whenever all my cousins and I got together, I would always be chosen to be excluded from any games. I was not stupid but I was a big cry baby. I was hopeless in most types of sports having been born with flat feet and dysfunctional knee caps. I hurt myself almost everytime I tried to get myself involved in any sort of games. Well, that was how I spent most of my childhood - sulking and crying. Hence, no one wanted to play with the loser.

Moving on the next reason, an absent parent. From as early as I could remember, my mother told me that my father walked out on us. He still visited us monthly till he completely vanished from our lives when I graduated from university. I would give him a ring whenever I missed him terribly. He would then promised to be home that night. Or sometimes, he would promise to bring us out for luncheons. One could imagine how excited I would be to see my father. I would get all dolled up and sat there waiting for him on the couch. Of course, he usually never showed up. He would ring up at the last minute that he was too busy at work when we knew that his mistress would not let him go. I spent every single Father's Day in my childhood waiting for an absent father. Days turn into weeks then into months and my precious childhood years just slipped by. Unfulfilled and empty promises littered my memories of my relationship with my father who was never there.

What else could contribute to me having a depressed mother besides a husband who would rather choose another woman over his legally married wife? I remembered the look on my mother's face. It changed from anger to sadness to tiredness from years of working so hard to support two children. I knew how warm those tears from her eyes felt as my little hands held her face. Who could be so mean to turn this beautiful face before me into one that is so full of sadness? I would think to myself. Being a sensitive child, I absorbed all her bitterness. I grew bitter and depressed overtime. I would sit alone on a school bench and thought up reasons about why I was so unwanted. I felt inferior to everybody else with a complete family. And my heart was always filled with envy when I see my friend's father coming to school to pick her up. To me it could only be a dream forever.

Of course there were happy moments but they were easily forgotten when so much sadness overwhelmed me most of the time. My brother was my only companion. I adored him for being good at everything while I could do my mathematics. There were times when he would bring me out for walks and bought me gifts along the way. I was his precious little sister. He was the big brother that I could depend on forever. I would hold his little finger as I admired his big hands unlike my tiny palms. We would grab each other's hands tightly wherever we went. Just my big brother and me.

Now the years have passed and I knew I could never get my childhood back again. If I were given a second chance, I would still be the same child and love my mother and brother with all my heart as always. This article is dedicated to the two most precious persons in my life. Happy Mother's Day, mum!

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